My Path to Insanity & Beyond

Thought Vomit Thursday (on a Friday)

2012-02-10T09:31:00.001+11:00

I don't have much of interest to say but I have some vomit thoughts.

Today I have back on the lavender underwear. Fortunately for me I also have a pair of pants on that cover my rear in it's entirety.
We currently have a huge mother of a huntsman spider roaming about house. It's on the run and I don't know where it has gone to. I keep waiting for it to drop on me. Last seen near my linen cupboard so now I am petrified of getting fresh towels out.
I have lost an inordinate amount of hair from my head, however the rate of growth on my upper lip seems to be evening things out. Essentially I am going to be a bald woman sporting a Merv Hughes 'stache (Australian cricketer who had a huge mo).
My god my tailbone hurts. Every time I get up I groan. It is like someone punching me in the coit. A donut pillow is not out of the question.
Baby attended it's first concert on Wednesday night. We went to see Incubus at Festival Hall. It led me to two conclusions. 1 - I really miss the vibrancy of the city, I wish it wasn't so damn far away 2 - husbands that come from the country and profess they know the city streets really don't. He insisted he knew the quickest way there. Thank you Apple iPhone maps for saving our relationship
I have booked in to get my balding hair cut and coloured. [puts hands up in front of her] Please don't say to me colouring your hair is wrong. It has been 6 months since I have done anything to my hair it needs a bit of TLC. My OB has said it is ok.
Why do people always give you Captain Obvious moments? I had a lady I used to work with email me and ask how the pregnancy was going. When I replied good but I was a bit tired from working extra shifts to accrue extra cash for extra leave she said "As well as saving your holidays, try saving your money!! Do you know how much little angels cost?? Especially when they turn into big angels" Really? I didn't know that. Thanks for pointing it out. Did it not occur to you that the extra holiday pay is actually my maternity leave pay and after forking out $18k to have this baby I am kinda aware that babies cost money. Oh and I am accountant. I got this whole "finance / money thing". It really bugs me, like I am sort of husband dependent housewife that requires grocery money in order to not over spend.
This weekend we have our annual Cook family get together. I haven't seen my cousins in awhile so it will be really nice to see everyone. Added bonus I get to see my nephews. Mr F has just started kinder and I swear to god I started crying when he told me about his day over the phone. My little nephew baby is growing up!! Must be the pregnancy hormones ;)
I am a bit fed up with work. I feel a little unloved, undervalued and unappreciated. I don't know if it is because I am going to be leaving soon but I feel like I am out of the circle and as part of the management team that isn't a good thing. It might just be that we are coming out of a huge summer about to head into vintage and everyone is just frazzled. It might also be because I am exhausted by the end of the day. Which leads me to;
Pregnancy antenatal vitamins. For Aussie chicks make sure you check the ingredient listing. If you are picking them up from the supermarket, those brands are only allowed by law to put 5mg of iron in. If you get the pharmacy only medicine it has an additional 60mg of iron in. Figured this out on Monday and made the switch so hoping I was low in iron hence the unbelievable lack of energy and drive.
Lastly, I am hooked on the TV show My Kitchen Rules at the moment. Does anyone else get this? I love it. I love it when the arrogant foodies stuff up. Ba ha ha ha.
Oh hang on I said lastly, seriously two last things\

next Tuesday is my big reveal scan! To say I am excited is a huge understatement. I can't wait to see it is has a pee pee or a set of ovaries. Aghhhh! Hope it is better than the 12 week scan
and on the 1 March I am going to Cairns for four days. I am about to book in a pregnancy massage. The forecast for the four days is 30, 31, 30, 31 (Celsius) Oh god I can't wait!

Saturday Splendour

2012-02-06T07:52:00.002+11:00

Thankfully no more stories (yet) of me making a prize fool of myself, although I have no hesitation in admitting that more will come.

Saturday morning was glorious and with the tourist crowds gone and our beach back I took the pups for a nice long walk on the foreshore.

In which my humiliation is complete.......

2012-02-03T11:11:00.000+11:00

This pregnancy has not been very kind to my bum. At times, I often scratch my head and wonder is the baby in my belly or my bum as both have grown with the same rapid pace!

Yesterday I was feeling a little spunky with my outfit. A pair of leggings with a tshirt dress and I was proudly showing off my belly and well showing off my bum too.

The issue was that these leggings had a little hole in the crutch. The hole has been there pre IVF days but I figured nothing of it. I forgot that I am a little bigger these days.

During the day the hole got larger. Every time I had to go to the bathroom it got larger again until finally my entire arse was hanging out the butt of these leggings.

But since I had a dress covering my butt I didn't think anything of it.

At lunch time I went into our restaurant to thank the chefs for cooking me a big bowl of green veggies. I very rarely ask them to make me something but I haven't eaten enough vegetables lately and Chippie, god love him is the worlds worst cook. They were delicious. Fresh, a little bit of butter and perfectly seasoned. I wolfed them down.

I walked into our full restaurant and to say thanks when I noticed the Sous Chef looking at me strangely, then red faced and strangling a laugh / choke / snort he sort of said to me, can I see you outside.

Oblivious I walked outside where he motioned to me to pull my dress down.

Yes peeps, my dress had ridden up where my basically crotchless leggings that had turned into chaps was leaving my lovely large butt in all its underwear glory for the entire restaurant to see.

But the issue was, after this incident I had on my biggest, ugliest IVF under pants on. And they were lavender. Not purple, old lady lavender and huge and disgusting.

I was humiliated. This pregnancy is destroying any street cred I had. Or desirability.

I told Chippie last night and he tried really, really hard but he couldn't stop the tears of laughter running down his face. I was crying too with a mixture of embarrassment, shame and laughter.

I couldn't help but think of this scene in Bridget Jones Diary.

Have a good weekend everyone. xx

A wee bit of incontenace

2012-02-02T12:17:00.000+11:00

Since becoming pregnant I realised I looked at being pregnant with infertile rose tinged glasses. This is totally acceptable and I defy anyone to stop infertiles from doing so.

The reality is, unless you are Miranda Kerr or some other Sports Illustrated model chances are pregnancy can make you a little frumpy, a touch undesirable and honestly weird shit just happens to your body.

18 weeks started innocently enough when departing from the bank I felt a gush of liquid. A close inspection in the toilet demonstrated it was clear, had no smell and was watery. I was little concerned but put it down to having more discharge - and trust me - I have had heaps (if you think this is TMI then you are obviously a) new b) not infertile) anyway, I surprisingly enough refrained from any usual activity such as calling Dr Google and left it at that with slightly wet underpants.

However, on Wednesday, it happened again.

This time I did consult Dr Google and immediately freaked.

Terms such as early labour, leaking amniotic fluid, lost babies were prevalent.

I rang my OB - who shall be known as Dr Smooth and he was with a patient. The nurse said she would speak to him as soon as he was free, no I was not harassing her but if she didn't call back straight away not to stress. Five minutes later I get a call saying can you get here at 4.30pm he would like to see you, just to be on the safe side. Major, MAJOR freak out occurs internally. I ring Chippie and ask him to get down to the doctors office ASAP, I literally turn off my computer and leave.

Dr Smooth saw me straight away, which ironically was a shame because Chippie was miles away and said to me so how are you. I told him I consulted with Dr Google, his competitor and he immediately said "what did I tell you about that". So I started crying. Side note on Dr Smooth. His real name gives the impression of a swarthy Italian, in reality he is a small fine boned Sri Lanken man who has a gorgeous slight accent. It may help if you use that accent in your head when reading along. Anyway, I digress.

Dr Smooth said come on lets check the baby out.

And everything was FINE. Mini was thrashing about, kicking and punching and my sac was still gloriously fall of fluid. For the first time since we fell pregnant this cycle I proceeded to cry once I saw the screen. I was so relieved. I have been waiting for something to go wrong and all that stress was building up in side of me.

Mini is gaining weight, so unfortunately it appears it may have more of mama's genes that daddy's.

I asked him if everything was ok and he said look at it! Look at that lovely heart beat. This baby is fine.

I climbed off the table, pulled up my pants and asked him flat out "do I have shit pelvic floor muscles?" No, apparently I do not but the position of my uterus is smack bang on my bladder and causing slow leaks. Moral of the story I peed my pants. Never in my whole life have I been happy to have wet myself. Yes it is humiliating and more than a touch embarrassing but trust me I will take peeing my pants if it means mini nini is going to be alive and healthy. Trust me though, my pelvic area has copped a work out since this happened.

Poor Chippie missed out seeing Mini again, he rushed down as quick as he could but I was in and out. We have the big one in less than two weeks, and hopefully Mini behaves because judging on past performances we may or may not be able to determine the gender.

On a good note, we had our hospital tour. It is a small private hospital but it had a lovely big bath which made both of us happy as a bath forms a lot of our birth plan. There was no one giving birth at the time though, in an evil way I wanted Chippie to hear the screams of pain. Evil I know.

There you go peeps. I wet myself. I am not ashamed at all. I am just wearing old lady panty liners now.

I will not forget

2012-02-01T09:27:00.000+11:00

Today was the day Anna's son was supposed to be born. But at 20weeks he was taken far too early from this world.

Anna was scared that no one would remember him.

I wanted to let her know that I didn't forget.

She wanted to plant a tree but she can't plant one at her home. Well Anna, I have lots of space to plant a tree. Today I bought a plant that flowers in winter but will be planted in our summer. He will be remembered twice a year. On the day I planted the tree and in the winter when the tree flowers.

I just want to let you know, it's going to be ok.

Errrr, am I 18 weeks already?

2012-01-30T09:08:00.001+11:00

These last few weeks have flown by. It probably helps that I have been really busy at work.

I started to feel flutters last week which was so bloody amazing. On Monday night I was lying down and I thought to myself, hang on a minute what is that I feel. It was so light but it was discernible that something was going on. The week before I had felt a lot of blood pulsating down there and I thought perhaps I was feeling that again, but the blood was very regular boom boom boom this was erratic. Everyone kept saying it feels like a butterfly but the best description was that it felt like when you go fishing just as the the fish starts nibbling and takes a bite. As soon as I heard that I was like YES.

It was pretty amazing. I haven't felt it lots mainly at night and when I am lying still.

I had my first fuck up pregnancy brain work incident. In fact right now I am scared to see my boss. I don't stuff up often but on Friday I accidently hit reply all instead of reply on an email and included the client. I didn't say anything bad but this client is a major pain in the arse, he isn't even a big client yet we seem to bend over backwards and forwards for his pissy little vineyard. I literally started sweating buckets and was so stressed out. I tried to recall the message but it didn't work so then I emailed the client to apologise and explained I was waiting on our vineyard manager to clarify one of the activities (which I was). On Saturday afternoon I get an email from my boss saying "was this sent to xxx?". I apologised profusely and then I realised he did the same thing as me, he had also hit reply all. It sounds like a comedy of errors but my boss being an older man does not like to look foolish so I fear that I will be in more trouble because he made the same mistake. I feel sick in the stomach as I hate making mistakes, especially at work where I am always 100% professional.

I was really stressing over the weekend but Chippie and I got to spend some great quality time together that we haven't been able to do for a while. However in this time it led to my first pregnancy related hormonal cry!! We are building an investment property and I was trying to help but it was 30+ degrees, I couldn't bend over and when he asked me to help lift something that was apparently not very heavy and I couldn't he rolled his eyes and I just burst into tears. Big loud sobs complete with tears running down my face. He immediately came over to apologise sent me home and I had a hour nap instead. I like to think I am still capable of doing everything I could before pregnancy, but the reality is with some things I really can't!

Week 17 was a good week, I am getting closer to halfway and soon I will find out what we are having and I can't wait! I have an OB appointment tomorrow and a hospital visit tonight. Shits getting real people!

Updated belly pic at the DoJo.

Edit ------- ok another example of pregnancy brain, my appointment is Thursday. I just kept thinking it was Tuesday. Damn it.

Happy Australia Day

2012-01-26T09:40:00.001+11:00

This time last year I had one of my biggest fights with Chippie.

It started innocently enough, me crying I wasn't pregnant, possibly had gotten my period again and before I knew it we had delved into all out war. Our frustrations came bubbling to the surface over TTC and IVF and failing constantly.

I was terrified I wasn't going to be a mother.

As I sit here now with a little over two weeks before I get to the halfway point of this pregnancy it seems surreal. That fight last year is still vivid in my mind. My face blotchy with tears, my voice hoarse from yelling the anger and bitterness of having unexplained infertility was reaching its peak. I was fed up. I was tired. I was sick of being barren.

I didn't think I had anything l left.

But I had to get through another IVF, FET, M/C, IVF before this little ninja decided to implant. I guess I had a little bit more after all.

A lot has happened in 12 months. Sometimes it feels like life goes too quickly then you reflect and you realise you can actually fit a lot into 12 months.

I am just glad I live in a country where it was possible to hold onto my dream.

Happy Australia Day!

17 weeks, we're almost halfway!

2012-01-23T09:43:00.002+11:00

If the pregnancy week has rolled over it must be Monday again (seriously, Sarah it really is!)

I didn't do an update last week because I was in a bit of a funk. I was out of sorts with the whole pregnancy thing, even thinking to myself that I wasn't enjoying it. It wasn't until this weekend I realised why. If IVF 2.3 hadn't ended in the fashion it did, I would be just about giving birth right now. I didn't keep a lot dates in my head and successfully managed to eliminate most of them from my mind. I am glad the date has almost past because then I can move onwards and upwards. I will never forget but I do have to move on.

Seventeen weeks.........

Not much is going on, I am still growing in the 3B's (boobs, bum and belly) but I am slowly coming to accept it. The 4th B - bloat has thankfully disappeared and I am starting to actually look pregnant. The last few nights the insomnia has come back with a vengeance and with it has come the insatiable hunger again. I must be in for a growth spurt. I have been eating half a banana or last night some grapes and drinking water. It didn't help last night that it was really warm and although I put the air co on, I kept turning it off as I don't like to sleep with it on. It was very stuffy and hard to sleep. I would have opened windows but Chippie has been away for a few days and I get scared (ridiculous!!!) so I have only myself to blame.

I have been getting tired again but I do think it is due to the warmer weather we are having again. It knocks me around and by the end of the week I am exhausted.

We started planning our nursery and on Thursday I successfully managed to purchase the cot and change table. I was so excited as the cot we have wanted for such a long time and it was in near perfect condition. Unfortunately on Saturday the seller told me her husband sold it to someone at work. I call bullshit. I think they got a better offer as I had knocked her down $500. I said to her but I thought you would have told your husband that you sold it? She couldn't come up with a good excuse. It was purchased off gum.tree so you don't have the security of ebay. I am disappointed but the cots come up a bit on ebay/gum.tree but it was the first time I had seen the change table. I want the cot more than the change table so life will go on!

I also went baby shopping for the first time. I kept waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say "excuse me miss but I think you are in the wrong department." It is very weird to be entering a realm that has previously been denied to me. I didn't buy much just a few practical things. With items like clothes and the like I am going to wait until we find out the gender and also after my baby shower as no doubt we will be very spoilt!

Thanks for the lovely comments I have received lately. You warm my heart. I think Jesica hit the nail on the head perfectly for me with my last post. I think deep down I am scared that something will go wrong with my baby and then all of these babies will be born and I will be left hurting again. I know that it is unhealthy to think in this manner and I think after the 20w scan I will start to be more positive (I am positive but you know what I mean) and after 25w when the baby becomes viable (again you know what I mean) then I will really REALLY feel that this is happening. The reality is I pinch myself every day. I keep waiting for that shoe to drop. And I am so excited that my baby will have friends with my best friends babies. I have waited three years to have this moment.

I did a 16w photo last week, so you can see my updates over at the Dojo if you are so interested.

Raining BFP's

2012-01-22T09:29:00.000+11:00

It's pregnancy season apparently if you didn't already know.

In the space of a month I have had four announcements from people really close to me. It's crazy. Thank fuck I am pregnant that is all I am saying otherwise I think I would be moving interstate, turning into a hermit or going on a murderous rampage.

Whilst I am thrilled to bits for all of them it still pisses me off that they got pregnant so easily (ok only two did, the other one I am still doing cheerleader dances for as she is an IVF gal and the other one had a m/c in January and I don't know exactly how long they have been trying for). But still. God damn it. Why do they get the free babies?

Even though I smile and I am happy, I still have tears inside for me and for everyone that is still struggling. I wonder who put the mark next to the names of people that get to have babies easily and those that don't. Do they choose us because we can handle it? Why did it take me three years, six IVF transfers, way too much money, my figure and my sanity and others trip over fall onto a penis and get pregnant?

It still makes no sense.

But thankfully this time I can be a part of the group instead of being on the outside looking in. I just wish that my group was extended to include everyone on the still trying but totally awesome list. Because you are all awesome, amazing and some of the strongest individuals I have had the pleasure to meet. Even if it is through the internet. I hope you realise that. I hope you all realise that is going to happen. You are all going to become mothers one day. It's just our journey had a few more bumps in the road.

The IVF 2WW Survival Guide

2012-01-16T10:14:00.000+11:00

Not that I consider myself a veteran but after 6 IVF transfers I started to have a routine and a plan of attack. For those going through their first TWW these are some of the things I consider part of my IVF survival guide.

1. Rest & Recovery after Transfer
Some people can run a marathon after a transfer and still successfully conceive. That wasn't me (and I have never run a marathon either). The two times I had any type of implantation I had relaxed for a few days after the transfer. Immediately after my transfer I would listen to my circle & bloom meditation series and I had DVD marathon arranged with my girlfriends. I went for funny ha ha movies, I think the emby likes it when mama is happy! I also didn't have a shower for a few days. Ok this might sound stupid but I had a tendency towards hot showers. Even when I try not to have them too hot my hand sneakily goes towards the hot to make it warmer. Hot showers / hot baths are a big NO NO. So this was my way of avoiding them during the important time. I made sure I clothed washed but I was just hanging at home anyway!

Have magazines and books at the ready so that you can just chill out and read. And make sure hubby is on board with dinner and helping around the house!

2. Stay away from Dr Google
I am my own worst enemy at this but no two person's symptoms are the same and it will drive you crazy if you constantly try to compare. It is easier said than done but if you can try to stay away you will be the happy for it. In my first IVF transfer I made it to 15DPO and I honestly thought I was pregnant. I had all the "symptoms" so when my period arrived I was more gutted than I had ever been in my whole life. You can make yourself crazy but the fact is some people have a plethora of symptoms right from the get go and others, like myself don't have anything. With IVF 2.3 I just knew I was pregnant and then with IVF 3.3 I swore I wasn't. Unfortunately you just have to ride the fucker out you can't make it go faster or slower and only a positive blood test will give you the answer you are looking for. Pee sticks are evil.

3. Distractions, distractions, distractions
Organise a catch up lunch with your girlfriends, visit family, tackle those jobs around the house you have been putting off. Anything that makes you focus on life rather than your body. At the end of the day the process is taking part in your body and nothing is going to stop you thinking about it but if you can remain distracted that is key. Chippie and I would always go to the movies at least twice. That would take care of an evening or two. We would go out for dinner at least once. There was another evening down. Last time a few of us decided to have a creativity challenge and that could be anything so I did some baking, we made cushions with my mum and I planted a tree in memory of my other embies that never made it. Little things that kept me from thinking about what was happening. If work is busy that is great, the busier you are the less time you have to think about it and wander aimlessly onto google!

4. It's ok to STRESS
In saying that it isn't healthy to stress but if you are a stressball through the TWW I want to let you know you aren't killing the embryo. It used to really upset me when I read that stress through the TWW is bad because then I would feel an unbelievable guilt because I hadn't done right by my body. At the end of the day whether it be clomid, IUI or IVF you are going through a period of intense pressure like nothing else you will ever experience. Everything in your mind is coming down to TWW and the worst thing, particularly with IVF you know you have put an emby in. For many of us that is further than we have ever got before. You can't help but be stressed. Personally I think it is better to feel the stress than hold it all in behind a facade of "I am doing soooooooooooo well". Get it out, if it means having a huge cry then go ahead and do it. In IVF 1.0 and 2.3 I was relaxed and chilled out. One worked, the other didn't. Then the one that worked ended up in a m/c anyway. In IVF 3.3 I was a HUGE stress ball in that last week. I was crying every day. On the morning of the blood test I woke up with snot streaming down my face from my tears, crying into Chippie's shoulder and sobbing it hadn't worked again. Yet it had, and it stuck.

I swear by the C&B series for helping the anxiety. At night when I couldn't sleep because of the images in my head it was the only thing that stopped me from a full melt down. Once my breathing was under control it got my head back in a good state and I slept I felt better.

It is always better to be relaxed but if you do stress it is totally ok.

5. The back up plan
Ok so this cycle might not work. Let's face it we are all Type A personalities on these blog sites so for me it helped to have a disaster and recovery plan. Whether it be a weekend away, a bottle of vodka, a shopping spree or just thinking about the next steps whether it be a new cycle, adoption or whatever having a back up plan for me it helped to control the out of controlness. Regardless what people say, alcohol is always a good idea after an IVF failure.

6. Shopping
With the last two IVF's I bought something just for me that was baby related. I wasn't a huge "buy before I conceive" type personality but it was my way of remaining positive. For IVF 2.3 I bought the most cutest pair of little ugg boots for the baby, for IVF 3.3 I bought a mother and child statue. It was my way of healing my heart and convincing myself that this could and will eventually happen.

7. Finally, remember it is all a learning experience
If you were lucky enough to get pregnant on clomid 1, IUI 1 or IVF 1, I envy you. You were one of the lucky ones and thank god for that because no one should be made to go through multiple cycles of assisted conception. We should all get pregnant on our first cycle god damn it!

However, the reality is that it doesn't always work that way. For me IVF was an education into my body. Each successive cycle we tried something new until it worked.

1. I had a curved cervix which valium didn't help when having the transfer done. Therefore I had a d&c which helped and then in the last IVF I actually was put back under sedation. My cervix wasn't that bad but it was bad enough that the transfer was painful and slow. It shouldn't be like that and don't let them tell you any different.

2. I had NK cells. We all know this subject is hotly debated. Do they exist or don't they? Do intrallipids and steroids work? Who knows all I know is that I had five transfers and not one of them were 100% successful and then I was treated with the above and it worked. If you have any more than three transfers and it hasn't worked don't be afraid to ask for more extensive testing or get a second opinion. If you have chemical pregnancies then that is telling you something. Don't let them brush you off with out any reasoning. Nothing is 100% unexplained.

3. Antagonist cycles were much better for me than full down reg. On a full down reg I got stuff all eggs, on an antagonist I got a better number of eggs.

Lastly, use your support networks whether it be blogging, internet forums, family or friends. During this time this is when you need them. After you get pregnant you still need them but the IVF TWW or any TWW is bloody hard and lean on them because you will be surprised at how much they want to be there for you as well.

Good luck all the girls in their TWW at the moment. I desperately want to hear of some more BFP's!!!

Infertility Gold Star

2012-01-11T10:54:00.000+11:00

I was listening to the radio this morning and flicking (does anyone else do this?) and swapped over to Triple J. The presenters were laughing and giving shit to Jay-Z for his rap on his new daughter.

In particular about how his baby is the greatest baby in the world.

Presenter #1: Gee, I hope all of the other babies in the world and their parents don't get offended
Presenter #2: What about if you were infertile?

A 23 year gay male is more on top of it than most people. Hats off to you bud.

Jay-Z, seriously, you might have money but that doesn't make you better than anyone else.

Gold Star effort JJJ!

15 weeks and a pregnancy meme (of sorts)

2012-01-09T11:16:00.000+11:00

ok ok I know some people don't like the meme but I can't help myself. Besides I have never done a meme before and I love the the word meme. Rolls of the tongue doesn't it! Memeeeeeeeee.

This will be all about pregnancy so if you don't want to read it, that's ok. It is more for my benefit to keep a record so I can reflect back on this.

------------------------------

How Far Along: 15 weeks

Size of the Baby: A navel orange, however a close inspection of my stomach indicates it is more the size of a AFL football or a basketball and why do we compare to fruit or vegetables?

Picture: Check out the Dojo for my 14+3 photo from last week.

Maternity Clothes: Not really just some larger sizes but really need work skirts / pants however I am going to wait until after the summer because I can totally cruise by this month in summer dresses. My sister did buy me a really great maternity dress for Xmas and it looks lovely and flattering on. I tried on two skirts that did fit me a few weeks ago and no banana. My Beyonce arse did not assist. I have never had a big butt but baby got back now.

Stretch marks: not on my belly or boobs but I do have one on my thigh. I know disgusting hey. I was stressed out but Chippie kindly informed me that apparently it has been there all along. Gross. The worst thing is that all of a sudden I have cellulite that I have never had before. I have been dry skin brushing and main lining water in an effort to reduce said cellulite and admittedly trying to tan as well.. Those Big Macs from Week 5-8 have definitely caught up with me.

Weight: I have put on too much but things are definitely balancing and evening out. Honestly most of the weight is on my boobs. They are HUGE. It's not cool. ok and my arse. Ugh how does J-Lo and Kim K love their big butts. I hate it!

Sleep: Not too bad, sometimes if I have done too much and over cooked myself I am pretty exhausted by the end of the day and a full week of work does knock me around however energy levels have returned significantly compared to trimester one.

Best Moment of the Week: Probably the fact Chippie is getting totally into this and when I was freaking out that I was carrying a dead baby inside of me (please don't judge me it was irrational I know) he started laughing and said that my belly and boobs were a dead give away. This morning as well he gave me a kiss then the belly a kiss with a really silly smile on his face. These are the moments I treasure. Oh and the best news I am of all medication. YEAH!!!! A normal pregnancy ensues. Going for my first swim since I fell pregnant that was great as well. It was awesome being back in the water.

Movement: None that I can feel but it is not because I am not rubbing my belly at home obsessively!

Symptoms: Zilch. Ok a few pulling pains down below. Occasional hormonal headaches and watching me get off the couch is amusing. We have an L shaped couch and of course I always steal the bit where I can have my legs stretched out but I can't just jump out of it like I used to. I look a bit like my nana when I try to get up. Still peeing for Australia as well.

Food Cravings: A definite sweeter tooth than normal.

Gender: Who knows, find out on the 14th of Feb!

What do I miss: Sex, it is now a banned substance after the spotting episode. The occasional drop of wine. Soft cheese. Sushi. But really they are superficial things. It isn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be to say no. Apart from the sex. Chippie looks hot at the moment with a tan and walking around with his shirt off and I have increased hormones. Maybe after a week it will be back on.

What I am looking forward to: Ok this might sound surprising but I am really looking forward to giving birth. There is something so primal and natural about it that I get quite emotional thinking about it. Having the baby on my chest immediately afterwards and bonding, the sense of accomplishment and the actual birth itself. I can't wait for that. I haven't thought a great deal about my birth plan but we have our first hospital visit at the end of the month and we can start thinking about it then. I have been reading birth stories though to get a greater understanding of how it all works as usually I stay away from all of that but now I want to educate myself about the different ways of doing this.

Nursery: I have been given a free portacot and jolly jumper and we know what type of cot we want but other than that nothing! I think we will wait until the 20w scan where we know things are going well for sure and then move forward. But we have the same vision of what we want the nursery too look like so it should be exciting! I can't wait to get our design groove on.

Emotions: I was pretty upset on Saturday with spotting but as Chippie pointed out that I have been really good since being pregnant. In fact I was much worse on IVF so this is pleasant for him. He is happy that I am happy and in turn I am happy because I am finally pregnant. It does take a weight off my shoulders for sure.

Stupid things I have done: Left my mobile at home, at work and in the car. Forgotten my car service appointment. Put the bread in the fridge and then spent 10 minutes looking for it this morning. Sometimes I talk and then in the middle of the sentence I literally go blank and forget what I was going to say and my mouth gapes like a gold fish. I also have this tendency at the moment to drop food all over my top or whatever I am wearing. And not something that can be hidden, it will be something super obvious like beetroot or sauce. I am a fool.

A minor hiccup

2012-01-07T12:21:00.004+11:00

I was going to write this breezy meme about my pregnancy I was going to make it about funny things that I have done whilst pregnant and my forgetfulness etc etc. Instead this morning when I went to the toilet I had pink tinged CM.

Yeah I am freaked out.

Why? Because a gorgeous friend of mine bought me a doppler which I haven't used yet because I wanted to wait to hear the heart beat by a professional and also because I don't like to court bad news. Hence why I never pee on a stick. I was a bit scared to use it.

Feeling secure in my pregnancy I thought that I would get it out. I couldn't find a heart beat. It didn't really worry me because I had no idea how to use it and I understand it is pretty common to not find one and I did it on my own. Anyway so it made me a bit nervous but not flat out nervous.

Then this morning pink tinged CM. Of course if I hadn't of looked at the toilet paper I would never have known. Right but what infertile ever can go without looking? Exactly, it is a habit that is hard to break.

So now I am nervous. I have finished all of my meds and my safety blanket has been taken away.
We did have sex last night and I read online (of course I googled) that this can be common. But still. Fuck.

Why can't it just ever go right? Why can't I just be normal? Why now? Why this week?

I am going to call my OB on Monday just for reassurance.

I still look pregnant but I am feeling so good at the moment I am scared I am not pregnant.

Does this worry ever stop? Will I ever be able to let go and fully embrace this? Why was it as soon as I started getting happy and flippant did this shit happen?

*******edited
so I rang the midwives at my hospital to allay my fears. She was lovely and the first thing she said was "did you have sex last night". Still going to ring my OB. Just to be on the safe side.

14 weeks - woot woot!

2012-01-02T13:46:00.001+11:00

That's right people FOURTEEN BLOODY WEEKS!!!

I am over the moon with happiness!!

Today is a super stinking hot day but I am in an air conditioned office and sucking back the water. I have my new $19 maxi on which looks pretty spiffy if I do say so myself and Chippie and I painted my nails a lovely pinky / orange colour. Yes, he does my toenails!!

The last two days have been spent at the beach with my in laws and my niece. Seriously kids in bathers are so freaking adorable. I don't have any bather tops that fit my chest at the moment so I wore Chippies rashie and my bottoms and for the first time since transfer I went swimming. It was bloody fantastic to be out in the water again. I just paddled along at a leisurely pace since I didn't have my goggles with me. The water was chilly but once you were moving it was refreshingly wonderful.

Truthfully, I don't have much to say. I wish I was more eloquent but it is too hot!! Remind of this when the change comes through later in the week and I am in a foul mood because it is cold again!!

Home time soon and a cool glass of sparkling soft drink!

2012 look out

2011-12-31T23:12:00.000+11:00

As I sit in bed one hour from midnight and everyone else asleep (yes the sober one is the only one awake) I can take a moment to reflect on 2011. All I can say is thank heavens for October onwards cause quite frankly the majority of the year, you blew really hard. In other words,you kinda sucked.

It was a tough year that tested everything in my life. But I am made of stronger stuff and even if mini hadn't finally had stuck, we would have gotten through. I am so thankful it did and I don't have to think about that.

I remember last new years eve I was with an IRL friend who also suffers from infertility, we swore that our IVF cycles would work. We were both lucky to fall pregnant within a day of each other only for me to lose it a week later. But we did do it. This year we are both sober and for once I don't care!!

As the year closes out I want to say thanks to those that supported me and helped me get through. My BC girls, my bloggie friends and my gorgeous Tee who through daily email and text support was always there for me when the shit hit the fan and always made me laugh.

2012 I can't wait to meet you head on. More importantly I can't wait to finally complete, well start my family!

Happy New Years everyone

Xxx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Staring down the barrel of T2!

2011-12-28T12:44:00.000+11:00

I hope everyone had a merry Christmas and a happy Hanukkah overall good celebration!

Christmas was good. The weather was lovely and warm - the way it should be! I watched everyone drink lots of lovely bubbly and just smelt the top of the bottle! I poured myself a glass of red wine to have with dinner but I just couldn't do it. Why I don't have the same sense of control with chocolate and nibbles is beyond me! We got home late last night and I am back at work today - boo!!

I am almost at the end of the first trimester and I feel really good at the moment. The tiredness is gone, my energy levels are back and if it wasn't for these huge knockers and large protruding belly / bloat then honestly I wouldn't even know right now that I was pregnant. Yes it worries me but lets be honest I have had minimum symptoms anyway so I am just rolling with it. I saw mini twice last week so it is clearly still there and at some point I just have to accept that this is happening which I think I am now.

Two weeks ago I started pilates and it has been great. I have a sway back which is making my front more pronounced so I am trying to control that and I want to be as fit as I possibly can be for the birth. I am back to walking every day and after the new year I am going back to swimming once a week as well.

I have put on too much weight in the first trimester (6kgs eeeeeeek) but I swear 1kg went into each boob. Then I think half of it is the steroids so in actuality I put on the right amount, yes? I finished the progesterone on Monday and went down to one dex, then next week I go to one dex every second day and by 8th January I am officially DONE. Off all of the medication. I am hoping that any weight gain in T2 is offset by the weight loss of coming off the steroids. It already feels bloody terrific to be off the progesterone pessaries and my stomach is almost bruise free after the terrible reactions I was having from the clexane. Soon this will be a normal pregnancy!

I am following Tee's advice and I have been using bio oil since I found out I was pregnant. I am using it on my boobs, belly and now my thighs. It feels nice to massage it in to my belly and hopefully will avoid stretch marks. I believe stretch marks can be genetic and mum and my sister don't really have them so I think I should be okish.

Everyone tells me that I am looking really healthy and well and as I said I feel great right now. Ok they could be lying but I am going with it. I feel happy and relaxed and I am looking forward to the second tri in a few days. Mainly.......I have heard this is when certain urges come back and I am hoping they do come back!!! ha ha.

The baby got some Xmas presents as well and I wont lie I cried when I opened them. It was special and last night Chippie and I got all of our baby stuff out (it isn't a lot) and looked at all in the room that will be the nursery. I got teary again. I have already warned him that next year I am probably going to go a bit nuts. Not with buying presents as such but I will be even more Christmassy than normal. Yes, Santa will get milk and cookies, he will visit and the baby will have a stocking. I can not wait.

Thanks everyone for your support last week. It meant a great deal. I have brushed myself off and now I am just looking upwards and onwards and will continue being one of the happiest people on the earth right now.

xxxx

ps sorry for the lack of commenting, I have read everyone's blogs but was very hard to comment on my iPhone. Hugs out to the girls that had to deal with some shit on xmas day. I have been thinking of you and virtually hugging you as hard as I can.

What a freaking hellish day

2011-12-21T20:11:00.002+11:00

Where do I start?

Today was supposed to be the most amazing day of my life. Instead it turned into a train wreck. I survived but barely.

First of all mini nini - totally uncooperative. Was curled up in a ball, facing away from us and didn't want to flatten out. I didn't care because you could see ten fingers and ten toes and mini was waving at us. I had one of "them" sonographers, the type that doesn't tell you much but enjoyed hitting me on the belly with the wand to make the baby move. You know what, I wouldn't move either if someone was hassling me. Clearly the baby has inherited my stubbornness.

She goes through the motions; femur check, kidney check, brain check and we think everything is ok. She doesn't tell me the heart rate or the babies size or anything really. Just grunting what an occupational hazard it is that the baby wont slide down and lay flat. An occupational hazard would be me taking that wand and shoving it up your nose lady. I asked her about the measurements and she said it was hard to tell because it was so scrunched up but it looked a bit small. She kept complaining she couldn't get the skin folds. Small? Looked alright to me. Skin folds, well keep trying!

After about 50 minutes she tells us I need to get the doctor because I am concerned about the heart. WHAT THE? Apparently she had issues with blood flow to the valve.

She walks out and I am lying there legs askew looking at Chippie and start crying. He gets all huffy and tells me to stop over reacting but seriously who wouldn't? I mean I just got told my baby has a potential issue with it's heart.

The main dude walks in and quite frankly, worst.bedside.manner.ever.

They talk in hushed voices for about half and hour and then afterwards he says to me well everything looks within the normal parameters but we can't 100% rule out downs due to the prior scan showing fluid. Huh? What scan? I am pretty sure I said which scan and from what I understood I thought he was talking about the one the lady did today. I was thinking but she couldn't see anything so you know does her opinion even count? He said I don't recommend a CVS but if you want to 100% rule out downs then I recommend an amnio.

NO WAY buddy. I am not doing one of those.

My anxiety levels and stress were through the roof. I had no idea what was going on. I just kept thinking so because she thought she saw something everything has gone to the shit.

I get to work and I was just a mess. Instead of walking out thinking this was the best day of my life I have four grainy crappy photos, no idea of heart rate, size and thinking I have a baby with a high risk of downs.

About an hour and a half later I get a call from a bubbly lady saying she is the genetics counsellor. I nearly lose it. The genetics counsellor is calling me already? What have they found?

She tells me she has the results of my 10 week bloods and my scans and I am low risk.

Yes, that is right. Low Risk.

I started bawling my eyes out and told her what happened. She was really bemused she couldn't understand why I had been told that information. She said let me double check my reports, no you have a 1 in 2170 chance of downs which is excellent as based on my age it was 1 in 309. Absolutely nothing to worry about. The reports tell her no further testing needs to be done. I told her they kept talking about a prior scan and she was really upset for me that I had been left not knowing what was going on and what scan.

I love this lady by the way. So she said leave it with me, I am going to find out what happened.

About half an hour later she calls me back and the issue was with my ten week scan. Apparently at this scan there was significant fluid behind the neck but no one told us. So they were taking extra precautions with this scan. If I had never had the 10 week scan then today they would have just said I had a beautiful baby and wished me all the luck in the world. In some ways I am glad no one told us because I just would have been stressed for two weeks but the communication today, was so freaking hideous I walked out feeling like I was going to have to make a decision to abort a downs baby - which I was never EVER going to do. Not after the hell I have been through to get here.

She kept reassuring me that everything was fantastic but now that little seed of doubt has been planted. How do I get rid of it? Instead of feeling amazing I feel crap and sad and emotionally drained. Here I was promising Chippie the greatest day of his life and all I have to show for it is a credit card bill of $250 and really the worst photos ever (in truth this baby definitely is ours because Chippie and I are so unphotogenic and take terrible photos, looks like this kid is never going to be on Australia's Next Top Model). I never want to get a young person to do my scan again, I only want the person whose opinion actually counts. I also want to know everything about the size and the heart rate and how it is measuring. I don't want to walk out clueless.

I wish right now I was doing cartwheels but all I want is a massive glass (scratch that, bottle) of wine and a foot massage. Chances are I wont get either but I will try.

I posted the photos over at the Dojo. I tried to photo shop them to make them clearer but they aren't great.

Right now I need to hear good stories about a friend of a friend, so lay them on thick.

12 week update

2011-12-19T11:50:00.002+11:00

OMG I made it to 12 weeks.

I am so thankful, grateful and happy. I can't believe this is actually happening.

I have started getting some aches and pains - a quick google search tells me this is the relaxin hormone that is causing this. I am off to my chiropractor today to have some adjustments done and I think I need to move away from my desk chair and walk around a bit.

The best news! I can stop the clexane injections! The bruising was so bad that I sent a photo to my nurse and she immediately contacted the FS who rang me and said ok you can stop now. Best present ever, apart from the one in my belly. Speaking of which my first belly picture is posted at The Dojo.

This weekend was huge! We had our girls Xmas dinner which was lots of fun. Then on Sunday I had my family over for Xmas as I am at my in laws on Xmas Day. It was really fun but I must admit by the end of the day I was sharing the couch with my 86 year old grandma and watching the others clean up!

My dad and my brother I love this photo I think I might get it framed!

Awards

2011-12-16T10:53:00.000+11:00

In the past month I have been the amazing lucky recipient of a few awards and I have been a bit remiss in not responding to them!

Thank you to the lovely women who nominated me!! You rock!

The Liebster Award was for those that had under 200 followers and was just a a nice award to say I lub you.

The Tell Me About Yourself Award is to list 7 things about me that you might not know. You guys do know an awful lot but here we go

I lived overseas for two and half years. Two years in UK and six months in Canada. It was awesome.
I love the beach but if I have to sun bake or swim I much prefer a swimming pool.
I used to be a really good swimmer in high school
I am a total sports tragic - will watch anything and play anything
I used to want to be a doctor when I was growing up, joined St Johns Ambulance to get some experience and realised I hate the sight of blood.
I prefer savoury over sweet
I had my first spew this morning - ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

To nominate I am going to be so super lazy and say check out the TTC girls. They rock. Seriously.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-14T08:32:00.001+11:00

My two fur babies and second loves of my life (Chippie being #1). They make me happy every single day. Except right now they are looking at me and saying; "Mum forget it. I am not going outside".

L: Frankie R: Sasha

Trying to be the perfect infertile is hard

2011-12-12T15:35:00.001+11:00

Today my baby is the size of a fig.

Must be a small fig, because the figs we grow on the property here can sometimes be up to 10cm long! Hello little fig.

I am pleased to say that the extreme exhaustion is finally starting to leave me. I am still tired but not that bone dead can't operate heavy machinery going to pass out and die type of tiredness. I am going to say this now

"I apologise for being a smug self centred cow that thought people who moaned about tiredness were 'putting it on'"

errr trust me they are not. It's fucking lethal ladies. Just warning you. When it happens make sure you have worded up people because you are going to need a hand with the housework and the cooking and if you have a high pressured job also be prepared for the that to go to curb. The last 11 (ok probably 15 if I am honest) weeks my work has suffered. I am fortunate that they have understood my circumstances but I have only been able to do the bare minimum. Hats off to my gorgeous assistant who has totally covered my slack. And you will really need help with the cooking, especially if you have morning sickness on top of the tiredness. My slow cooker got a very good work out. I got so frustrated the other day because I read a pregnancy healthy eating article in the paper and the "nutritionist" was bragging that she had heaps of energy and gave recipes of salmon with a balsamic reduction with braised asparagus and pears with a side serving of cous cous flavoured with Moroccan spices. I was reading it and thinking to myself; lady you either don't work or you have a maid because the extent of my culinary creations at the moment are two pieces of toast and putting the kettle on. Oh and my promise of going for a walk every night fell away in favour of the couch and the remote. I couldn't even read a book because I couldn't concentrate for longer than two minutes. That's my honest heads up.

Which kind of brings me to my next thought - I am struggling with the idea of being the perfect infertile. Don't get me wrong being pregnant is great and to be perfectly honest I have got the good end of the pregnancy stick. No morning sickness, occasional nausea and my food aversions haven't been too severe. I have had hardly any headaches or hormonal issues therefore I haven't been lashing out at poor Chippie. I am honestly very lucky.

But sometimes I still struggle. And the one that has got me feeling most confused, annoyed and a little shocked at myself is my reactions to my body changing. I thought that I would embrace it and be over the moon. I am however the first trimester is hard because your tummy expanding is really bloat. 5cm fig does not equal 4 kgs or more of weight gain. Actually I don't even want to fucking weigh myself. Chippie has been awesome and told me to relax the dex isn't helping as well with fluid retention and making me hungry and there is all the other stuff I am putting into my body.

I am trying not to beat myself up about it but it is actually really hard to see your body changing. I can't wait for the second tri when it will be more apparent why it is changing. Right now, oh god I can't believe I am going to say this but I just feel fat, frumpy and really unattractive. And I might have the start of a double chin. With hair on it. What a fucking mess. I mean for fuck sakes am I growing a goatee?

I am also emotionally becoming a little scarred from the medication. I had a really bad experience with the c.lexane two weeks ago and now I can't inject myself any more. Chippie is great at it as he doesn't hesitate but the issue is that my blood is now very thin and I bleed as soon as it goes into my stomach. I have always been a prolific bruiser so this just takes the cake. I had to explain to my waxing therapist that my husband wasn't attacking me. I have started crying at the thought of injecting myself and because I do it at night when the bloat is the worst it just makes everything worse. I have to have a bandaid on at night because when I roll around in my sleep it starts to bleed. I am also despising the progesterone. I know I only have two more weeks to go but it is just painful.

I didn't want to moan but I wanted to ask is it ok to sometimes moan? Do you mind if I do? I feel as infertile's we get the short end of the stick everywhere. And because we want this so damn much as soon as I even utter a word of complaint I get a stare like "you wanted this so shut the hell up". Do fertiles get the only pregnancy pass of saying that sometimes carrying a baby is hard work. Like really hard work. I want to give you all an honest account of how I am feeling and the truth of pregnancy. A pregnancy combined with assisted conception meds is haaaaaaaaaard. Ok that was a self indulgent silly moan I just hit myself for you.

From my perspective I am going to let you all know that it is totally ok to have a moment when it is feeling all a bit too much. We are human and we have emotions and sometimes it can be overwhelming! It doesn't ever take away the sheer happiness that we are finally pregnant but I just want to acknowledge that it can be hard too. I am a lucky one I am having a pretty cruisey pregnancy but so many girls don't and I know they are scared to say anything because they don't want to upset people. Like anything I suppose it is the way in which you deliver and share information.

Haidee wrote a brilliant, honest, raw and emotional post on the weekend about love at first sight and bonding with your baby immediately. We put so many pressures on ourselves to be the perfect infertile that we don't allow ourselves some slack. We deserve it. We worked so fucking hard to get here, to get pregnant, to actually deliver a live healthy baby we should allow ourselves the freedom of being honest how the rest of it goes. Sometimes the emotional issues continue long after the injections and it is ok to put your hand up and say that this can be difficult or I am not coping or that love I thought I would feel immediately, well it actually took a little longer to come.

On that note, 11 weeks ladies. One more week till the 12 week scan. I am feeling confident that this baby is here and wants to stay. I feel confident with the testing about to take place. And in a few short weeks that bloat will be a baby belly and you will all say to me "what you were worrying about Chon, now shut the hell up you wanted this"

xx

Christmas gift giving for males

2011-12-09T15:45:00.003+11:00

Each year when magazines and newspapers publish the obligatory "this seasons gifts!" I always pour over them looking for something fun and new for Chippie.

Except they are always aimed at metrosexuals, which Chippie just is not.

He doesn't need a slim line brief case folder and he has trouble reading a watch that isn't digital (honest the man can build million dollar homes but tells me not to buy him a watch with a clock face, sigh), he hates to cook so the fancy pants gadgets aren't really for him and he doesn't like wine so the cool little accompaniments that go with wine connoisseurs, yep totally useless.

I swear of late he is only in his work clothes so expensive clothes are out too and things such as scarves and boater hats, well honestly come on he is a builder not an IT guru or banker ;)

He also isn't into "gadgets" and playstations and xboxes. The man comes from a different generation (errr he is younger than me, insert SARCASM) and proudly tells me he likes to write a cheque because then he knows that it is paid off. I have tried explaining that when I electronically transfer money it does the same thing but he doesn't hold with that internet hogwash.

Am I painting a picture here! He actually isn't a bogan either, he is just a normal country boy!

What he does love to do is fish, camp, 4WD, building & architecture, work out in the garden, any type of bike riding and he loves live music.

That's why I thought I would share the things I have bought for Chippie this year and other ideas I had as well!!

Subscription to HOUSES magazine

A book on camping sites in Australia and where to go

Camp chair

ok funny story with this, when we went away on the March long weekend we had the really cheap ones from Bunnings and both of them broke! My BIL broke one and my Dad broke the other. Hilarious!! I have got him a nice super comfy one with the requisite stubby holder and also another pocket for him to put his crap into

Deep Fryer (Kris Kringle Gift)

Bonds Jocks!

'ello does the male come with this too?! This is kind of an ongoing joke I buy them every year for him.

I really thought about his gifts this year and tried to make sure when he briefly mentioned something I would write it down as he can be notoriously hard to buy for. We did also splash out and buy him a ticket to Brisbane (sans his beautiful wife, me) for January so that will make up his Christmas stash as well. I know he also would like a leather chisel pouch to store all of his chisels in and maybe some new bike riding socks.

So I was wondering, what have you bought the males in your life for Xmas this year? Are they metrosexuals or are they the typical tradie type?

Lastly, if you are looking for some Christmas decoration inspiration head over to Jen's blog. Honestly she has such wonderful, simple ideas that are so effective! I will post over the weekend my efforts of Christmas decorations. I think all I need to do now is a table centrepiece so will work on that on the weekend. It wont be as cool as Jen's but I definitely think it is my best to date!

Summer cold

2011-12-06T12:38:00.001+11:00

I have a cold. I feel like someone jammed razor blades down my throat and they keep shaving. It bloody hurts. It kind of came from nowhere but Chippie has it too. He is run down and I am pregnant and we clearly have both picked up a bug. Combined with the fact that I have been on dex for nearly three months my immune system has gone to the kaka. I was worried about this because I knew that there was a risk that I could get sick and my little ninja's that usually attack everything quickly and swiftly have been bought to their knees.

Yesterday I went and bought some strepsils (honey & lemon) and it wasn't until a case of insomnia attacked me at 3am that I thought "oh, should I be taking these?".

The internet in all of it's infinite wisdom had conflicting information. Some girls obs / GP's had said that it was ok others had heard it was best not to. I checked with my gorgeous pharmacist (who honestly is the most adorable man in the world, it is like going back to the 1950's when people actually cared!) and he said I could get all paranoid but the risk is so ridiculously minor I shouldn't worry about it. I have stopped taking them and I am sucking on barely sugars but it is under duress. I feel like these days pregnant women are wrapped in bubble wrap and we go overboard on what we can and can't do. The annoying thing is that this baby has waited so long to get here that I err on the side of caution and then I get all pissed off at myself for being such a nervous nelly.

I think of all the behavioural problems that many kids have today and wonder if it is because of this overprotect mentality we have? Or is it just because there is more toxicity in the air than there was when we were children? I don't know. I am not a parent yet so until I am I can't really comment. But I am totally eating ham off the bone at Christmas!

The good news was that yesterday I had my 10 week scan (pictures over at the DoJo). It was unbelievable. The baby had arms and legs and was wriggling about and totally put on a show. The heart was hammering away at 190bpm and if the old wives tales are to be believed this is totally a little girl. My heart completely melted and I wondered how I could think that this was the cutest baby in the whole kingdom and it didn't have a complete face yet - biased much?!

As I was laying there watching the screen I thought of all you beautiful amazing girls still in the trenches and I wanted to say this, that moment yesterday when the baby started moving on the screen it made it all worth it. The heart ache, the repeated failure, the miscarriage, being lapped by friends, the empty Christmases. It was all worth it. I just want to say don't give up. Because I want all of you to have that moment as well when the pain of all those years of trying and the tears that you have cried actually mean something tangible. Just don't give up. Keep persevering, keep questioning your doctors and never take no for an answer and never ever accept the phrase it is just a numbers game.

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-12-01T10:35:00.002+11:00

And welcome everyone to my first ever entry into TVT!

I had yesterday off work as I seem to have caught a virus from my BIL, it has gone around the whole family with my MIL / FIL both coming down with it. I was feeling really nauseas and crook and I had another really crappy sleep so I called in sick. I think that was my first real sick day in over 18 months. IVF patients make the BEST workers. We can't afford to give up sick days, they are like liquid gold. I feel much better today so I must have needed the rest and recovery.
It's the 1st of December peeps! Christmas is my favourite time of the year and even though being infertile sucks major arse at Christmas I still loved it. My tree and decorations will be going up on the weekend and I have written out my lists for everyone and have started shopping. Ok, that was a rap for me, really I bought two gifts for my nephews. A bucket, spade and frisbee set for when they come down to visit me and we go to the beach. But I have my lists! I am ready to spend and decorate! I am going to post some pics of the house once it is decorated and I need to find little outfits for Sasha & Frankie.
Each year Chippie and I take it in turns to have Christmas dinner with our families. It takes three hours to drive between homes so the first few years we did the drive and then we realised we weren't able to enjoy Christmas Day properly, so now we swap each year. I think it was harder for Chippie than for me as I had spent a few years away from home overseas so I was used to not always seeing my folks on Christmas Day but Chippie had all of these hard core traditions! Anyway this year is a Bendigo year so I have started a new tradition that the weekend before I have a pre Christmas lunch at my house. This is the second year and this time I have invited my Aunties kids and nephews as well. That makes 20 guests!! I am super excited because I love having people over and everyone is bringing a plate and Chippie and I will provide the meat. We are going to do a lamb on the spit (we have a home made keg spit that Chippie made it is done over hot coals) and I will do some roast chickens as well. I can't wait!!
I have a wedding tomorrow for one of my besties and I can't wait! This was the hens day I missed out on so I can't wait to catch up with my girls. It will be held out at the Yarra Valley (which is beyootiful!) and it will be such a fun night. I am designated photographer and there will be payback for all of my drunk wedding photos over the year. I am such a great guest to have!
Today is the first day of Summer. Woot woot. Ok so it is miserable right now but according to the weather forecast this was the last day of rain for the rest of December - yeah!!! Bring on some warm weather and heat, this little black duck needs some vitamin D.

That's it folks that really was a vomit wasn't it!!! Probably boring as bat balls to you as well!

***** edited to add I re read this after I posted it and could I say I can't wait with multiple exclamation marks any more times? What can I say, I was excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9 weeks and other ramblings

2011-11-28T09:38:00.001+11:00

Hello everyone!

I have had a lovely weekend with my in laws in Bendigo. We haven't seen them since we found out we were pregnant so it was lovely to finally catch up and share some long overdue bonding. I have had a few issues with my mother in law - only in the sense that she was doing so much to NOT smother us we felt completely abandoned over the last six months, and ok, It was me feeling a bit hurt and left out. It was great and I got to spend lots of quality time with my niece who at 18 months is an absolute cracker.

The pregnancy continues to go well (or so I think). I can't wait to stop qualifying every statement with a "if this actually works", or see above "or so I think". It is a nervous reaction, I feel as if I start to be too happy and actually think this is going to happen then lightening will strike and of course it will end. Totally normal reaction from an IF'r!!

I can't wait to finish my medications. I am absolutely sick of them. I finish progesterone and estrogen on Xmas day (hooray!!) and I go down to 1 dex a day from Xmas day, then 1 every second day the following week and then on Week 15 I stop both dex and the clexane. I think those are the two I want to finish more than anything. I don't like the idea of taking the steroids once the placenta has formed, I think that enough is enough and I would like to stop having the side effects that result from it (extra water retention, hunger) and the clexane, well who wouldn't want to stop injecting themselves every single night. I swear if I get bloody gestational diabetes I am going to be so pissed off! I currently have the most hideous bruise you will ever see in your life as a result of what one can only say was a blunt needle. I gave it to myself and I persevered to push it through the skin. Once I pulled it out it was like a blood geyser and fuck me it hurt. I might have to take a photo for documentation because seriously it is the ugliest, purplest, hideous disgusting bruise I have ever seen. As a result, Chippie is back on jabbing duty because I am too scared to do it again.

The tiredness is still lingering, it was nice to have a relaxing weekend but last night I had a terrible sleep. I have a shit bladder at the best of times and it is already taking a battering. I think I got up 4 times last night! Luckily Chippie can sleep through anything but I was so tired this morning. The insomnia wasn't too bad last week so that was a relief. Still no morning sickness, I think I get more of an afternoon sickness but no signs of chucking.

I have a 10w scan next Monday and my mum and sister are coming to that and then I have my 12 w scan and obstetrician appointment just before xmas. I haven't thought about downs too much until recently. I can tell you that I am only get the tests done so we can have a 12w scan. I personally have never heard of anyone doing IVF and having a downs baby but I was just wondering lately what the chances are? You hear so many times people saying there is a risk and then there is no risk at all. It wont be changing my decision regardless. This baby will be staying with me till it is coming out.

Things have been awesome with Chippie too. The last week he has been totally on board and back to being the Chippie I married and love! I guess in the sense that he is a very tactile and emotional person and three years of failure and miscarriage have harden him and he didn't want to feel and get to involved. Every night he rubs my bloat and we are starting to talk about this all like it might actually happen! He said that is great that I am happy and for him it is like having the old Chon back. I don't know if she will ever be 100% back, so much stuff has happened over the last three years that I feel a part of the old me is gone forever. But I feel the brittleness and bitterness of the last few years starting to fade out. I feel that I am smiling and starting to breathe. I think I will breathe easier after xmas but after three years of heart ache it is nice to wake up and feel happy. It is strange, but really nice.

My body's my body your bodies your's!

2011-11-23T11:01:00.000+11:00

Trying to think of a title that was appropriate I remembered the song we sung in primary school. Excuse the grammatical errors there in the whole your / bodies etc. Sorry.

I had my first pregnancy "experience" this week where people think that once you are pregnant they have the right to comment on your body.

In my case, I keep being told how big my boobs are. At first it was amusing but yesterday I had enough. In fact I thought I looked really nice yesterday but apparently I had a sign on my tits saying feel free to comment away. Sorry but totally inappropriate. I mean it is ok for me to mention it to my bloggie friends and normal friends but not right for work colleagues to talk about it.

It then progressed to the fact that I am showing so much already and compared to my work colleagues sister who is 13 weeks I am way bigger already, apparently because I am more curvaceous [insert fatter].

Let's back it up people. When I first started TTC I was taut, toned and terrific. But 18 months of IVF has taken it's toll. Truthfully I was ok with it because if I had to put on weight to get pregnant or if I had to calm it down during the TWW I couldn't give a shit. My end goal was a baby not to look like Miranda K.err. And I have been revelling already in my changes and looking at my bloated belly and pushing it out a little bit more to get the image of me being pregnant. I was feeling good.

But hearing people tell me I have already put on weight (this from my "solid" chef), and that I am more curvaceous and that my boobs are huge well, it makes me feel a bit shit. Combined with all the pregnancy books saying you shouldn't put on weight in the first trimester I am already thinking to myself "fuck I have got a loooooooong way to go and I have already put on 10% of my allowable weight?"

But most of all I don't like the fact that people feel pregnancy, just like when TTC and dealing with infertility, gives them to right to ever comment on my womanly bits. It really doesn't. Unless you are a bestie who can say whatever you want because years of friendship has let you or someone that has battled through this journey with me - shut yer trap! I have waited years to get a pregnancy body and I don't want people to ruin it by making me feel my new plumpiness is bad.

To Chippie's credit he handled my emotional breakdown well today. And to my credit it was my first hormonal cry. And to nobody's credit I really don't look that swell after a crying fit. I don't cry very delicately. It also highlighted my dex moustache. Sigh.

It's funny though a blog I love to read Lady Melbourne highlighted a link on her facebook page about the media frenzy over Christina Aguilera's apparently bad choice of clothing and her "fatness". I had thought about that yesterday when I was sulking over my boobs that my insecurity is stemming from the media and public perception of what a womans body should look like. Especially all of the celebs that are getting pregnant and then a size 0 a week after the pregnancy. That is why I adore Pink, she doesn't bow to that sort of pressure. The worst thing is I never thought I would be that person that did care what others think but apparently I can fall into the same trap as well. This blog she was talking about was really great so I have supplied a link here.

To sum it up, STFU people I am pregnant, not fat. And yes my boobs are huge. Whatever. Deal with it. Just stop telling me unless I tell you first.

Pregnancy update

2011-11-21T12:43:00.001+11:00

Hooray to me for reaching the eight week milestone today! On the pregnancy front things are going well. I basically slept all weekend and relaxed. I even got my rear into gear this morning and have dinner all planned for tonight. I put the slow cooker on (can I just say doing that sapped the energy out of me, so please pass out the gold stars). This is the first meal I have cooked for over a week. I know my bad but I just haven't had the energy or the enthusiasm to cook. Touching the chicken this morning wasn't swell but it will be nice to know that when I get home I just have to boil some rice. Then I can go and lie on the couch again.

My clothes are getting snugger. I have to use the old elastic on my pants trick. With the warmer weather approaching I have been wearing a lot of dresses and skirts which I much prefer. It doesn't make me feel as bloated. My bloat is pretty bad at night time and I have mainly avoided constipation by eating heaps of fruit. Especially oranges but alas that bloat, it doesn't want to go away! Apparently today it is the size of an olive or a raspberry. I am totally craving fruit at the moment so let's go with raspberry.

Both Chippie and I are starting to feel that this may be the one. Each day we get through is another day we are extremely grateful. Yesterday morning Chippie woke up and said to me "I think I am going to be a Daddy", yes you bet your arse I cried. I have waited four weeks to hear him be positive and start to acknowledge this pregnancy. The visit to Dr Cowboy on Friday was terrific for both of us. He gave us lots of reassurance and whilst he didn't have an ultrasound machine in his office he has referred me for a 10 week scan if I want to take it. Of course I will take it. I am still worried about a missed miscarriage but I do also think that my body is a powerful beast and if it didn't want this to work it would let me know.

I haven't done any belly shots yet. I think I will wait till 12 weeks. That is the point where it will really sink in and I am on the home stretch now. Besides all you will see at the moment is some wicked clexane bruises, a pot unrelated to pregnancy and the mole in my belly button.

Otherwise, for me, pregnancy at this stage is kind of boring. It is a lot of waiting around to get to the good bits. Like actually having a belly you can attribute to pregnancy and not over eating. I am not spewing which I am very thankful for, mild bouts of nausea but nothing to write home about. I am tired all the time so I sleep a lot. I am definitely getting fatter. My boobies are outrageous and have a road map of blue veins on them. Yesterday I would have seriously given Dolly Parton a run for her money. I keep taking my medication as prescribed. And I keep thanking anyone who made this possible.

I also won an award (thanks Sarah!). I am going to distribute tomorrow to five fabulous new blogs I have started reading that you should all go and visit and show the same love and support to them as you do to me!! God bossy aren't I.

Reason # 197 why I love my friends!

2011-11-19T10:01:00.001+11:00

During this journey I have had some ups and downs with my friendships, mainly borne out of my frustrations at not being able to get pregnant and confused because when they started having children I felt that I was losing a connection with them. I couldn't share the stories about first teeth, breast feeding positions, child birth, lack of sleep and I wanted to so badly and it hurt. At times I felt like I was drifting away from them.

This last year has been a pretty good year. I had one issue with a friend and decided it was time to say goodbye. This decision was shared by all of our friends as she was bad news and to be honest vindictive and nasty. The other friend, my best friend, I have had some ups and downs with but it is nothing to do with my infertility, I think it is just some teething issues. And perhaps in her defence she feels that I am moving in another direction and desperately want to join the mothers and wives club and she isn't and doesn't at this stage. I think I need to let her know how important she is to me still.

This weekend I cancelled the hens day and today I have been moping around at home in my uggs and boxer shorts, listlessly attempting house work and getting things in order. It is pouring with rain and miserable. Blah. I want to be with my friends but know I have made the right decision.

Then I turn on Facebook and what do I see?

They have taken me with them!!! Do you like my golf outfit? And there I am in the car! I might not be drinking but they haven't forgotten me I am there in spirit!!

It really has made my day.

Bloody fools. No wonder I love them so much!

Grumpy pants on nice and high

2011-11-17T09:50:00.001+11:00

Sorry peeps but I have my grumpy pants on today.

I know, I know, my bad. I am supposed to be smiling because I am pregnant and trust me every day I am smiling but the dexamethesene, every body builders steroid of choice is giving me insomnia. I think insomnia is an early pregnancy symptom as well but I was up last night from 2.30-4.30am wide awake and my stomach was gnawing from my insides so I had to mainline two pieces of white bread and a few crackers so as not wake Chippie and I couldn't sleep and I was getting more and more annoyed. I don't know why I told you it was white bread. I am normally a wholemeal girl but at 3.00am white bread was my drug of choice.

So today I am just annoyed and grumpy and pissed off and bloody tired.

I want to go back to bed.

I am also pissed at myself because I keep stressing about this pregnancy. Last week was the greatest day of my life I mean we saw a heart beat! Of course no less than twenty four hours later I was wondering if the baby had stopped growing. Ridiculous. It doesn't help that Chippie is stressed and will not feel relieved until trimester one is over so of course this worry manifests onto me. He worries that I am overdoing it and to be honest sometimes I probably am. I have placated him by cancelling a hens day this weekend (which would have been massive and I would have struggled) and will be staying home with my feet up and relaxing. I tried to explain that if this baby doesn't want to stay it wont be because I am overdoing it but he isn't having a bar of that. Great.*

This is a fabulous blog post isn't it. Feel free to give me some tough love and tell me to harden up. God knows I need it.

I also have this weird back ache thing going on. Is this normal?

I do have days where I am unbelievably happy. At even though I am stressing and grumpy it is nothing compared to the pinched tired look of repeated IVF failures. I woke up the other morning and was incredibly thankful and grateful that this IVF finally worked. I am devastated by some of the BFN's received lately and angry that they couldn't have gotten pregnant as well. It feels like there is only so many BFP's that can be handed out per month and it is scary when you always seem to fall on the wrong side of the odds. I must admit that the idea of spending my fourth Christmas sans baby or bump was terrifying to me. I just feel relieved to have gotten this far, but I am so terrified it might be taken away.

Give me some tough love people, I seriously need it. Or reassurance. Anything really.

I have my final FS appointment with Dr Cowboy tomorrow. It will be good to have some reassurance and I am wondering if he has an ultrasound machine in his room! I am the last appointment so maybe I could squeeze a quick scan in?

A good spew would really put my mind at ease - can I have a poll on those that didn't get morning sickness and still had healthy babies?

Sigh. Snap the fuck out of it.

Worst.blog.post.ever.

* not whining at him, this is his baby too and I have to respect that I am the incubator and that the decisions regarding the welfare of mini nini are shared. He actually has a right to my uterus as well at the moment!

The week in blog land

2011-11-14T13:31:00.001+11:00

Over the past week I have read some amazing posts by bloggers that have impacted me in some way, made me think and made me get very emotional.

I thought I would do a blog round up so if you aren't reading these bloggers you can go and check them out!

Bodega Bliss has been nailing a few posts lately and blowing me away. On the website postsecret there was a hauntingly confronting secret about miscarriage. Courtney speaks about opening up and being honest about infertility and loss and how the act of being open can stop others from feeling so alone. It was a wonderful post and echo's my own feelings of advocacy and openness in the ALI community.

This week Rachel @ Eggs in A Row spoke with her sister about how hard it is for her to watch her family start families and to feel left out. It took a great deal of courage to open up particularly when she is always the strong one (and I have no doubt the funny one, the one that fixes problems and the go to when people need something). I could relate to Rachel as I had to watch both my sister and sister in law give birth within five days of each other last year, I got my period in between them and started IVF 1.0. It was not a happy time. I love my nephews and nieces dearly but the emotional pain of having two born within five days really knocked me around. I think it was mothers day as well. Ouch.

I don't follow Esperanza however when MissOhkay posted a link to blog she had written about blogtopia I had to comment as it really affected me. Many and I when I say many, I mean MANY of us have felt this at some point, the alienation when you come into blog land and there are already established relationships. At times it can feel like high school and you are left sitting on your own at lunch. I remember when I first started there were a number of blogs I commented on every single time and not once did they ever comment back or even acknowledge me within their comments. I felt like a bit (ok a lot) of a loser. However, I then realised I was losing sight of why I was blogging in the first place. I was blogging for me to document my journey on infertility. I soon deleted those blogs and focussed on those that returned support to me when I needed it and as such have formed some lovely new relationships that I would have been lost without over the last couple of years.

There were a two blogs this week that broke my heart. I don't really know what to say when I comment because to have to come to the decision they are it is just a difficult heart wrenching decision. I wish them all the best in whatever they decide to do. Slackie O and Just Two Lines I wish you all the best in every thing you decide to do.

Lastly, Kim from The ART of Baby Making is doing a 30 days of gratitude for Thanksgiving. Remembering the things you are happy and grateful for does surprisingly make IF a little easier to handle at times. A little, not a lot but a little.

Keep on writing great posts so that I can keep reading you amazing ladies!

U/S report

2011-11-11T17:03:00.000+11:00

And then there was ONE perfect little embryo measuring at 6w5d (a day ahead) with an amazing little heart beat of 123bpm. It was, oh god, it was everything I have ever wanted to see. One of the best days of my life. We didn't get to hear it but we could see it hammering away like a little freight train.

I have a whole post I want to write but I just want to reflect on today (that sounds so ridiculous) and what we saw.

I am so happy right now.

First Purchase.....

2011-11-09T12:57:00.000+11:00

It's not clothes.

It's not furniture.

But a print I had been looking at.

I think it will look lovely and it isn't something I will ever regret because it is already so true.

via bespoke letter press

I already have two amazing limited edition prints in my guest room and they are printed on printing presses dating back to the 19th century.

Love you already mini nini

Can't keep my eyes open.........update

2011-11-08T14:06:00.001+11:00

Tired. I'll take it over nausea every time but I just want to close my eyes for the teeniest weeniest second and nod off to snooze land.

Hubs, just isn't getting it. In fact, I honestly think he thinks I might be putting it on. Falling asleep after a five minute walk on the beach at 7pm isn't faking it love. I am horribly frustrated with him today. For a whole host of reasons. Some of the reasons are ridiculous but some are not. Just do the dishes. Please. When I wake up in the morning I don't want to be confronted with the congealed mess of last nights dinner still in the same place it was the night before. I also don't want to be confronted with your dirty, stinking socks and undies. And please can you take over dinner for just one night and make it a nice dinner not slop on a plate. Please. Please. Please.

I know that he is working incredibly hard at the moment at a physical job which is compounded by the fact that it is his own business. But truthfully i just don't care. Did I just say that? It's just that it has taken three years to get pregnant and I would be lying if I didn't admit that what I want right now is a little love and attention and a bit of pampering and support. Am I alone here? I want to be put on a pregnancy pedestal and be fawned over. There I said it. And I don't feel bad - ok maybe a little bit because I hate it when fertile's spouted that shit.

I mean come on Chon, he is a MAN for heavens sake.

Still just do the freaking dishes. And have a shower please*.

On other news!

6 weeks and 1 day today! Apart from the tiredness and the huge knockers with a road map of blue veins (I call them my "life force") and this urge to eat and eat and eat and eat I am feeling great. My concentration levels are shot. Every fifteen minutes I drift off. This isn't cool. I have to snap out of it but I just have so little staying power. No nausea but from all I have read this could start at any moment. Admittedly a little hormonal - yesterday I was singing rainbows today I want to stab my husband in the eye with a blunt knife. Oh and TMI warning ahead but I am getting a lot of stuff coming from my lady bits. Is this normal?

I had my last BT today and will get the results later this afternoon. I am not going to harass my nurse if she doesn't phone me in two minutes time. I promise. But if we get to 4pm that is a whole other story.

I have been really good and I haven't gone baby shopping - well I have for other people but not for me. That isn't to say I haven't got my eye on a few things. If Friday goes well there might be a little treat in store for me and presumably from me since the husband seems to be not on the same page right now.

That's it guys! I will update with the BT result! Result was 30,810! Good thing I had read that after HcG hits 6,000 doubling time is four days or more. Mine are increasing now at a rate of 3.43 days. I definitely am going with a singleton but will let you know on Friday afternoon!

* that rant is for a whole other day that I just can't get into right now

Table - Head - Bang - Repeat

2011-11-04T12:47:00.002+11:00

At times I am my own worst enemy. I think, no I kind of expect that people would approach infertility with compassion and understanding.

For the most part people do. They really do. My friends over the past 12 months (once I shunted off the dead waste) are shining examples of this, my family and work colleagues as well. But every now and then I get these obscene urges to go on internet forums and see what people are saying. I really want to be an advocate for infertility. I think that there needs to be more awareness and sure yes more people are becoming aware of it but like miscarriage it is something that people don't really want to discuss. Basically because it involves human emotion and as a rule we in society don't like having to deal with other people's issues.

I emailed a website about an idea for more articles on infertility. I even gave her a few ideas and she very politely emailed back and said they do lots on infertility but somehow I don't think 4 articles over 4 months in between the 99,999,999 other meaningless articles on how to apply lipstick and the benefits of colour blocking really is "doing a lot". I looked up one of the links she provided and I was pleasantly surprised it was about Keiko's fabulous video "What IF" done for Resolve in 2010.

Of course I scrolled down to read the comments and the lack of empathy astounded me. Absolutely astounded me. Why - WHY do I get surprised??

As usual it was the same old rubbish about being grateful for what you do have, learning to accept a child free life, lots of other woman have done it over the years, we are a pack of whiners, go and do something productive with your time, lucky we don't have cancer, how dare we compare it to cancer, it isn't a disease, the world is populated enough, just adopt, go and relax. Honestly the list went on. Of course, not all comments were like this. There was some genuinely supportive comments from ladies that had experienced IF through friends and families, people genuinely asking if there was the right thing to say. But in truth it was about 50/50.

It just demonstrates what a long way to go we have. Like accepting mental health issues as being a legitimate concern, infertility is another area that needs advocacy and ongoing support. Dealing with infertility is not as simple as getting over it, moving on with your life and being grateful for other things. Check out my tabs above, I remind myself every day that I have things to be grateful for. But 3 years of TTC has been emotionally and physically the most damaging and exhausting process I have ever gone through. Of course a recent positive doesn't mean I am out of the woods by a long shot. There is still a long way to go and infertility has robbed me of the joy of experiencing a pregnancy because I know all too well the risks involved and have witnessed first hand and through many of you the risks.

When I think about it, infertility is like an abusive relationship. The first week AF arrives and you are fighting and hate each other, you inhale red wine and ice cream at an alarming pace, you say nasty things to each other then in the second week you resume a level of intimacy again. You start smiling and forgetting the previous week and everything starts to be ok again. You want to love each other so you forget the pain that was bought to you last time. You feel positive again. The third week you cocoon yourself in the knowledge that everything went well surely it couldn't happen again. Holding hands, cooing special messages to each other and then the fourth week hits and you remember everything from the first week. The betrayal and jealousy and the fights re-emerge and before you know it you are desolate again and nursing a broken heart. This happens continually month after month until, just maybe it might work.

Imagine going through that break up every month. It's no wonder we are all stir crazy and not a little bit nuts.

But how can we get this message across without seeming like bitter, nasty infertiles. Because the truth of the matter is we are bitter. We are bitter at what we have been dealt with. But surely we deserve some empathy to our pain? Surely that is ok?

I guess I will continue to badger this website and perhaps take it to the magazines and write letters so that eventually someone starts to listen and to get the message of the heartbreak that is infertility and loss. I feel like in some way that in order to give respect to the journey I have been on I need to be open about it so that the next person that goes through this knows that they aren't alone. I think this is what I want to do. I think this is what I need to do.

Blood Test # 3

2011-11-03T09:57:00.002+11:00

I had another blood test yesterday. I really like this interval blood testing to make the wait to my scan so much easier to deal with. I was starting to feel some anxiety as it was around this time that things went very pear shaped. It was getting to the point where I was manifesting cramps onto myself. I was making my body cramp up and I would say to myself - OMG was that a cramp in my butt again? No it wasn't you crazy psycho.

The figure blew me away 9177! I had estimated (ok damn it I had a spreadsheet worked out forecasting the results) and I was expecting it to be just under 6000. I am so SO happy with this number.

It is starting to feel real. I am exhausted and revelling in the fact I am falling asleep at 9.30pm. My boobs are not sore when I am sitting around but holy cow as soon as I take my bra off I let out a little whimper. And the hunger. It should be illegal. My aim is to not put on weight in the first twelve weeks. But the baby is insistent and very dependent on peckish thins salt and vinegar which say 99% fat free but we will see, we will see. I am trying to counteract this with a walking regime. At the moment it has been every second day because some nights I have been so tired I can't get off the couch but last night I dragged Chippie with me and the dogs love it as well. I am taking it easy but would love to know from other IVF veterans and what point did you resume normal exercise and err, sexual activities.

This weekend is our third anniversary of TTC. Can I just say what a relief it is to actually be pregnant right now? Clearly you all get that, anniversaries of TTC are not for the feint hearted. Particularly as they start dragging on and the finish line seems to get further away each month. So I am incredibly grateful right now to be pregnant. I thank Dr Cowboy and his team every night for dealing with my NK cells, recognising that it was an issue and treating them.

As I said to one friend, I just want to run around screaming at the top of my lungs "I'm pregnant bitches" like B.rittany S.pears but I realise that would be terribly uncool, wouldn't it?

A whole lot of nothing to talk about!

2011-10-31T09:21:00.003+11:00

I have all of these random thoughts flying through my head so in the spirit of everyone else who is doing dot points, I present my own dotted nuttiness

Today I am five weeks pregnant. The good news is that I have been absolutely shagged by about 5pm which didn't happen last time and this bone tiredness is also letting me go back to sleep when I wake up with my dexamethasone induced insomnia (not cool)
I had my last intralipid IV infusion on Friday. It was great to see one of the ladies that I had the first infusion with pregnant as well.
Sitting in the waiting room I saw my IVF nurse and she gave me a hug. After she left a pregnant (a seriously cool looking woman, you know the type that you think to yourself I wish I was effortlessly cool and groovy like that) said congratulations! She was on her fourth pregnancy after going through IVF for her first. The rest then came naturally one after the other. This waiting room is fabulous for good news stories!
I have another blood test on Wednesday which I can't wait to have. It is nice to have some mini milestones in between waiting for the scan to hopefully make the time going a little bit quicker
The scan is booked for Friday 11th November and I should be 6w4d pregnant
My friends have nicknamed this little bean mini nini after the NK ninja's and my uterus is known as The Dojo. I seriously cracked myself laughing at that.
I have been playing words with friends with Tee all weekend and she has been kicking my butt. Every time I think I have her she comes out with a doozy of a word that has all the Q,Z,J and V's!
A few weeks ago I did a 5km fun run with my sister. They emailed me a video clip of us running across the line and seriously it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. They must have used a wide angled lens because my arse could not be that big!
I bought a new bra yesterday because all of these hormones have made me grow some big massive boobies. Best.Thing.Ever
Tomorrow is Melbourne Cup Day! It is the only day I ever put a flutter on the horses and I am off to a BBQ at a friends house. I hope this weather clears up it has been miserable lately. We better not have another shit summer.
WTF am I allowed to eat now that I am pregnant? Last night, in a fit of love for my husband I decided to make him some Pho Bo as he had been craving it from our holiday. I was supposed to put sprouts in it and I had this flash of remembrance and I looked it up on the internet and saw that I couldn't eat them. Then I was going to have raw mushrooms, I put one in my mouth and started to chew and then I thought "can I eat this?" and no I can't eat that either. I spat it out in the sink much to the disgust of my husband. I bought a salad roll on Friday deliberately not getting the deli meat and apparently I can't have food from a salad bar either. I am confused and will need some serious help with this. It is kind of frustrating but given how hard it has been to actually get here, I am going to be ridiculously anal about what I put in my mouth
Even though I am embracing this pregnancy and acting as if I am fertile and that everything is going to be perfect, deep down inside I am still terrified it will go all wrong again. Stick little baby, stick.
Have I told you all how much I love you? If not, I do heaps.

Blood Test #2

2011-10-27T12:57:00.002+11:00

713!!!!!

Ok, I think this one might be for real this time.

Stick around baby!

Pregnant v2.0

2011-10-26T09:25:00.001+11:00

Here we are again.

It looks like the cycle from hell has resulted in a BFP!!!!! Beta was 266 at 13dp2dt which was triple my result from last time.

To say I was shocked is a massive understatement. I fully expected a negative. I am still in shock, I don't think it will be real until I get a scan. The nurse was really happy with my number and her happiness meant that I could celebrate it (last time they weren't very happy with the low number).

Chippie and I are cautiously excited but have decided to fully embrace this miracle and not think about what might and could happen. We are treating the cause and fingers crossed this should result in a live baby.

I already think it is a girl.

Holy sweet baby Jesus. I am pregnant!

Not-Penny's Baby Shower

2011-10-25T08:58:00.002+11:00

I am participating in the virtual baby shower for Elphie and I wanted to give her a bit of an Australian theme! Thanks to the wonderful and newly pregnant Mo for organising this event!

No Australian baby can be born without learning how to swim. Sorry, it just doesn't happen. We are born in the water and spend the rest of our lives in or around the water whether it be the sea, the bay and particularly now the drought has broken the rivers and lakes again! How cute are these little swimmers. There is nothing cuter than a baby with their chubby little bum and belly running around in bathers, I defy you tell me something cuter! How cute would Not Penny look in this little bathing suit. Collective awwwwwwwwww's the whole way around.

via

This next gift is one that I actually got for Haidee as a present for her son Cohen and she loved them but they can't get them in NZ. We have a local brand called Bonds which makes the best underwear and sweats and the cutest baby gear. I think Not Penny would look totally adorbz in one of these

via

Lastly, well it would be churlish of me to arrive without something to nibble on so I made a pavlova. Kiwi's and Aussies will argue till the cows come home over who invented it. Personally, from my understanding it was made by a kiwi baker who lived in Australia for the Russian ballerina so I think we should share it together!

via

Good luck Elphie, I can't wait to hear about all of your parenting stories that will no doubt be told with the same humour and honesty that you told you stories of infertility and pregnancy!

********UPDATE**********
I can't believe that I didn't give the credit to Elphie to for the now infamous term vaginal gold. If she could have received royalties for that term, she would now be a billionaire. One of my all time favourite posts!

The last few days

2011-10-22T09:15:00.000+11:00

I'll be brief guys.

I am just not feeling it.

I got the tears out the last few days, the sobbing kind and now I am left with that feeling of emptiness.

I know it isn't over till it's over and I am remaining positive. Each day without the red headed bitch is another day that you go through and she isn't due till Monday.

I am just not feeling it.

It's the twitching. The damn twitching. It's the only thing that is killing it for me. I have done numerous google searches on twitching and appears I am the only moron that gets it. It could be progesterone leakage but it doesn't feel like leakage.

Anyway.

I have lots on this weekend.

I have a high tea for the J.ane Mc.Grath Foundation with all of my beautiful girlfriends that will make me laugh and shower me with love to take my mind off it and tomorrow my Mum is visiting and we are going to do lunch. I can also finally visit the newly renovated Myers and I might buy myself a little treat (because I can).

If I don't write much the next few days it is because I don't like giving myself false hope and then come crashing down again. Documenting it during the TWW just makes it worse because I always look like an idiot if I show a bit of hope.

Relax, calm down, make a cup of tea and carry on.

What do want? A baby! Some positivity! Twins!

2011-10-19T10:12:00.000+11:00

That was my rah rah cheerleaders dance for you! Complete with a side dish of high kicks, tumbles and finished off with a pyramid.

I was always so jealous of Americans and their high schools and cheerleaders. We just don't do that in Australia, you are more likely to find us sneaking a fag in the toilet blocks (ok, not me I was in the library studying) or wagging down the street to get Kottarou chips and gravy with AC Cola consumed on the car park of the local shopping centre and dodging any teachers that were out and about (ok that was a really fun memory flash back). At school I was the swimming champion for my year level every year except for one. That was the year J.o F.lack beat me. But I got her the next year. I was a good little swimmer and one year made the zone finals but of course that was the year teachers decided to do mass strikes so it got cancelled. Then puberty happened I grew me some melons and it was kind of hard to be a kick arse butterflyer with those things hitting you in the face. What a trip down memory lane.

Well bleeps we are one week in and how am I faring?

Honestly 70% calm 30% anxious. I keep trying to recall the last FET, you know the one that worked but it is like comparing apples and oranges. One was drug free apart from pessaries and this one is drugged up and has been a bit of head fuck right from the start.

I would like to lie to you all and say that I haven't been near Dr Google but that would be a bald face lie. So I wont lie and be honest and say, perhaps an hour a day of random googling. After 6 transfers though I kind of know the symptoms.

I had some wicked cramping at 5dp and 6dp, I woke up on the night of 5dp and felt quite ill and then last night I woke up and my boobs didn't feel as sore so I immediately started stressing out. I quickly grabbed the C&B and did some deep meditated breathing, concentrated on seeing my babies implant, had some massive hot flushes which I dealt with by stripping off and lying in bed starkers and finished with a bizarre dream that my FS went all new age and was rubbing my belly and pelvic bones to release the stress. It was a weird night people.

All up, I just have to roll with the emotions. Not a lot I can do but wait it out. Nothing is going to happen either way till after the weekend so there is no point preempting anything and before you ask I will not be POAS, no way do I want to ruin any illusions.

Keeping sending me the love and the happy thoughts.
xox

My Weekend

2011-10-17T07:37:00.000+11:00

This weekend has been blissfully boring. I have lazed around, eaten food, read lots of books and watched loads of DVD's. Exactly what the doctor ordered.

Sitting in the sun with Sasha & Frankie reading magazines and drinking cups of tea

Finally stretching our painting we bought in Vietnam and I purchased the little statue - it was called Mother & Child - appropriate?

Getting all excited over my first mandarin on our miniature mandarin tree

Totally craving home made salsa and avocado dip with corn chips whilst watching a heap of DVD's. Kick Ass is bloody great!

What did you do with your weekend?

But I thought you were on a creativity / inspiration challenge?

2011-10-13T15:50:00.001+11:00

Well yes sir, you were right.

But after my Monday drama fuel antics I kind of wasn't in the right space to post about "inspiration".

Anyhoo seems fitting that I do now.

One thing I have been wanting to do for some time is to say goodbye to my little embryos that didn't make it. I had all their pictures still and they were put aside in an area I didn't look at. I also wanted to plant a tree in memory of the little baby that didn't make it either. It is something that Chippie and I had discussed.

On the weekend I thought that it was the right time to say goodbye. I bought a native plant known as a coastal banksia bush because living on the coast means that our earth is very sandy and you need to plant as close to as indigenous as you can. Besides planting in this manner encourages native wildlife such as birds, possums and insects to thrive.

To me it was also synonymous with my womb. I need to create an environment that is responsive to growth - can you see where I am going with this? Yep all zenny and calm. I bet you like this gal way more than psycho Chon.

I loved each of those cluster of cells so much and I will always remember the babies that never were. I placed the pictures in the earth and planted our tree and finally said my goodbyes. It is time to move on with new life and I can only hope that new life is currently inside of me.

That was my inspiration for Saturday.

Update, thanks and she talks that zen shit again

2011-10-12T17:19:00.001+11:00

As my last post demonstrated I kind of lost my shit. I totally dropped the basket. Hard on the ground.

For me egg quality and numbers have never been an issue. I have always had a nice little batch of good quality eggs that fertilised well and turned into A grade embryos.

My issues always started after this. My embryo pumpkin patch wasn't exactly A grade it was infested with NK ninjas and nothing wanted to grow there.

But we fixed that and we were on top of the situation.

That's why on Monday finding out after all the time, money, emotions and stress invested in this cycle that i only had four eggs left me reeling. The one thing I have never had to worry about all of a sudden I had major issues with. It was devastating and crippled me emotionally. Only finding out that I miscarried was worse than waking up with 4 written on a piece of paper. That and the bitchiest bitch of a nurse ever throwing a box of tissues at me when I started crying. I felt so utterly useless and empty and betrayed by my body.

Because I wanted to transfer two embryos we went with a 2dt because I think they thought let's just get this thing done. Today I was put under sedation for the second time in two days and they transferred my two little 4 cell fighters. I am assuming the transfer went well, with me being as loose as a goose and unable to squirm and they did a guided ultrasound transfer I can only assume that it was all fine.

So that's it. The cycle that has been my most emotional one yet is all but over with only a result left hanging.

I want to thank everyone for your support. It means a lot knowing I can come on here and have people "get"me.

I also took my own fertility statue with me today in the form of my sister, I just hope that her rampant fertility vibes rubbed off on all of the women that were in there today.

Today I feel better, more zen and calm and content to deal with whatever happens next.

I can't control what happens inside of me but I can control the way I behave and the manner in which I act and just enjoy the love and support I have around me.

Egg Pick Up

2011-10-10T18:20:00.002+11:00

We only got four eggs. They don't know why. I am very flat and depressed and not really in a place to talk right now.

I met the rock UPDATE

2011-10-07T14:38:00.001+11:00

When researching for a new FS I looked for one that had an interest in imumonology and repeated IVF failures. I also had a name as well that had been provided to me that fortunately had a reputation in being out of the box and a bit of a renegade and interested in NK cells and the role that the immune system plays in getting pregnant.

Utilising Dr Google I read a line from a patient that really stuck out that said "Dr Cowboy can get a rock pregnant".

I mean, that isn't faint praise. That is a hard core compliment. And when you are reaching out for anything that gives you hope, you'll take it.

There were lots of other compliments as well and having the personal recommendation plus reading 90% good news about him I made the appointment. Immediately after my appointment I felt like I had met someone that was going to do anything to get me pregnant. Even if it veered from the normal way of doing things I needed to know that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

That light has been murky the past few weeks. I have been negative and full of self doubt. I have been struggling with concept of moving forward and what do I do if this doesn't work. Did I have a well of strength to draw from. I honestly didn't know.

Today as I sat down to have the IV administered to mask and attack these NK cells I met two wonderful women. The first had a story similar to mine and apart from the age difference it was all the same. No reasons why it wasn't working, told that it was a numbers game and to keep trying, unexplained, keep having a crack, money down the drain. It felt really good to talk to her, she totally got it. She got the frustration of unexplained infertility and miscarriage and it was good to talk to someone who was in the trenches with you right there and then. In real time. This was our first cycle under Dr Cowboy and we were nervous, scared, excited but mainly nervous because if this doesn't work - what will?

Then the second lady came in.

We asked her is the first time you have had the IV administered, she said no it is the second time (my heart dropped, a failure damn it) then she whispered "I am pregnant, this man is a miracle worker. I have had 19 unsuccessful transfers, tried donor eggs and I have never been pregnant. I can't speak highly enough of him. I am pregnant, with my own eggs"

There was the light. She was the rock that he could get pregnant. There was that positive energy I needed to get me through this and to realise that I can keep going and I can keep on trying. I can do this. I feel so much better for having met these two women, to bond over a shared personal experience with someone face to face. To know that I am still not alone and that we can get through it. Unexplained doesn't mean it wont happen, we have an explanation and he did get a rock pregnant.

I sit here now waiting for the call regarding my follicles. I was a little (ok read a lot) disappointed. Ole lefty came to the party and I had 5 decent size and a couple of smaller sizes but Mr Right decided not to show up. If I make an even 10 I will be very lucky. My ovaries have been twanging so much I thought for sure I must have a mother load going on but I don't. I was very upset but I am ok now.

I am going to beat these little NK ninja's.

------------------------------------

I got the call and I trigger tomorrow night with EPU on Monday morning. 13 follicles but only 5 decent sized ones. Ok if I get 8 I will be happy.

Do you like my cushions?

2011-10-04T19:02:00.000+11:00

I know I have been absent and my posts have been really brief, weird and bloody boring. Straight up I am sorry about that. And I haven't been too great on the old commenting. Strike three and I will be OUT. Please don't give up on me.

Truthfully, IVF 3.3 has knocked me way, way off kilter. Emotionally I have been S.T Ruggling. The synarel has been kicking my arse, I loathe the injections and the additional medication I have been taking. I feel like I have taken a trip to angry town. Perhaps, over three months later here comes the angry stage of losing my baby. I am angry and so pissed off to have be doing this again. In some ways I almost feel that I need to be on my own to do it this time and I am so sick to death of writing about my IVF transfers. Like we haven't all heard that before, you know?

Last week was a monumentally shitty week. I'll break it down in dot points for you

I fell on my own sword with the job and told them I couldn't take it due to impending IVF
Work was a struggle, by about 3pm I am really lethargic and tired (probably bored)
My football team fucking lost by not turning up to play in the fourth quarter of a grand final. Ok, we were beaten by a better team, I can accept that but it still freaking sucks dogs balls
I had the biggest, most humongous fight with Chippie over IVF. Simply he didn't take his antibiotics on Saturday night because he forgot, because he was too pissed and forgot to eat dinner. Um, he forgot. I went postal which wasn't assisted by the immense amount of hormones running through my system at the moment. It is sorted now, but it hurt me deeply that he forgot one freaking pill he has to take for 7 days and I already feel like a human pin cushion and if I forget something then the whole cycle could be a total bust. On the day he forgot his ONE tablet I had already consumed

2 sprays of synarel
300iu of puregon
1mcg of dexamethsene
1 baby aspirin
1 multi vitamin
1 fish oil tablet

The thing is as I write this I don't want to hear platitudes, I don't want to hear that I have been left behind and how hard it must be for me and I don't want to hear I am here for you but let me just settle little Timmy. I think I want some other angry motherfuckers to write and say yep I am still in the trenches and I am still mad too. I mean sure I take comfort from all of the success stories out there but I AM ANGRY to paraphrase Dave H.ughes. I know you all know how I feel but fuck it the hormones are killing me and I am just pissed off at the whole entire god damn freaking WORLD.

However in between all of this anger and tantrum tossing and hot flushes and overall carrying ons and dramatic re enactments of me behaving like a hysterical mad woman, I have managed to churn out some creative endeavours. This has actually soothed me and comforted me, doing things that are unrelated to IVF. Here are some cushions that Mum and I made. The fabric is from the northern hill tribes of Thailand and has been sitting in my chest for ever. I am really happy with it and it looks great in our lounge. What do you think?

Excuse the shot of my dishes in the background, too lazy to style it up!

I have also become totally hooked on pinterest. I have my own site and if you show me your's I will show you mine (it is under my full name and I don't want to post it on the blog but happy to email and swap!). Lastly, I do love my new camera. Each morning as I drive to work I kick myself that I haven't bought it with me as I am deluged with wonderful inspirational images. Tomorrow. I promise.

Lastly, bugger it I had a big glass of red wine and fuck me I feel better.

ps sorry for f words

Support

2011-10-03T09:47:00.001+11:00

Just a quick one from me today. The beautiful Anna lost her baby last week at 20 weeks. She has been a huge pillar of support to me for a long time now. Please go and offer her support to help her through this awful time.

I don't know why this happens to our community but I know that our community is sometimes the only ones that understand.

Let them eat cake

2011-09-27T21:33:00.001+10:00

Tonight I felt an urge to bake. Which was bizarre because I am not really a baker and I don't really crave cake. But cake it was.

I read a blog the other day where the writer had made zucchini cake and with three large zucchini's in the pantry and with all other ingredients on hand I whipped this up. Chippie thought I was mad but conveniently set to grating for me. He also thinks I am nuts for taking photos but I had to document this for my creativity challenge!

On other news my E2 level was 57 and she said that was perfect. I'll take it. Stims to start on Thursday. I had some lovely hot flushes today. Woooosh, you feel like your whole body goes up in flames and your face is on fire!

And finally some good news. My beloved football team made the final's again this year and I am going! I am really excited! GO PIES!!

Nail - head

2011-09-26T14:18:00.000+10:00

via pinterest

IVF News

2011-09-26T10:33:00.000+10:00

I had planned on putting my creative endeavours from the weekend up today however a snarly sewing machine created a few hiccups. So watch this space!

Today my period arrived. I have my E2 blood test tomorrow and all going well I start stims on Thursday. Now we are starting to get to the good stuff.

I read about this today in the paper and I wanted to pay my respects. Without doctors like him, my chances of becoming a biological mother would be drastically reduced. So Thanks.Australia's IVF Pioneer

I am really sorry I have absolutely nothing interesting to say at the moment. What a boring sad sack!

Are you going to breastfeed?

2011-09-23T16:31:00.003+10:00

I ask the lady who is going on maternity leave.

Of course she replies, it's free.

I wish having a baby for me was fucking free.

A feeling of unease

2011-09-23T09:06:00.003+10:00

This morning I popped my last BCP and felt glad that phase was over.

I have been spraying now since Monday and have booked my E2 BT for Tuesday, all going well I start stims 7 days from now.

But this morning I have woken up with a pit in my stomach. I don't know if it is related to the spray or what. It is a feeling of doom.

I hope it goes away as it is making me want to cry.

********UPDATE**************
The feeling of unease was the whole one, two hit to the stomach as I read about a facebook pregnancy announcement this morning. Awesome, the father was the biggest recreational drug user, drinker and general debaucher going around and he can get his wife pregnant immediately. It just hurts so god damn much.

********UPDATE**************
Then I got yelled at by a customer who was completely wrong and will be apologising soon and I nearly cried and I never cry at shit like that. And also, well I had a job interview yesterday and it went really well and it scares the shit out of me.

Last Vietnam Pictures

2011-09-22T21:33:00.000+10:00

On the deadley treadlies through the rice fields of Hoi An

Happy Buddah - supposed to bring good luck. I rubbed his belly HARD!

Driving over the Hai Van pass - simply beautiful

Chippie (fake tshirt!) in Halong Bay on a Chinese Junk. The limestone islands were spectacular and we had an amazing day

Hoan Kiem Lake in Hanoi. Note: this looks peaceful but it was frantic that day, I stole a quiet spot for this serene looking shot.

A jumbled up post; inspiration, Vietnam pictures and sniff sniff

2011-09-19T21:00:00.000+10:00

Hello Everyone!

I am back from an amazing, frantic, crazy ride that was Vietnam! There is just so much to say about this country that has endured more than most countries should, the amazing nature of the Viet Minh (that is the Vietnamese people for those in the know), the food, culture and landscape.

We arrived in Ho Chi Minh City and was immediately shocked to witness the traffic. I mean, I have seen some traffic in my time but nothing prepared me for the organised chaos that is Vietnam. There were so many motorbikes with not one but two, three or four sitting astride usually it was a family and children as young as 3 months old would be cradled in their parents arms as they zoomed around the city. I have seen that in Thailand and Bali but not on the same scale of people as we saw in Vietnam.

The first three days in Ho Chi Minh or Saigon as it is also known (whole back story here but I wont bore you with it!) was spent visiting the Cu Chi tunnels, visiting the war museum and other interesting buildings. The Cu Chi tunnels were very confronting and the museum with it's Requiem exhibition was sad and distressing. I didn't take photos in the museum and yes the pictures were definitely focussed on the Allies attack on Vietnam but I had never seen such confronting honest photos of war before and the effects of agent orange. The VC had built over 300kms of underground tunnels to hide from the American's but they were built before the Vietnam war and started with the war of independence against the French. For over 30 years they lived underground planning attacks and they were ingenious. They had kitchens, hospitals, armouries, strategy rooms all underground. After seeing their booby traps, jails and methods of torture you can understand why some of the returning soldiers suffered horrendous after shocks. Without going into a discussion let's just say war is never happy and it is always sad for both parties but particularly for the civilians caught in the middle.

This is one of the tunnels and this was L1 and it gets progressively smaller. Sometimes they lived for up to 10 days in here till the fighting stopped! Apparently they were made small because of the fat allied soldiers!!

This was a bamboo booby trap. Nuff said really.

Steps leading down to one of the tunnels, the cement was in for our benefit.

Then we visited the Banh Ten market which was an array of colours and sounds! I was worried about being pick pocketed (because of all the warnings in the guide book) but it was incredibly safe and the whole time we were away not once did we feel threatened. Ok maybe by the crazy motorcyclists!

Lunch!

Dragon Fruit

Favourite thing in Saigon - drinking coffee with the locals in the morning in one of the back streets, the amazing rice paper rolls, Chi my manicurist and Chippies hairdresser (if I could have shipped her to Australia I would have) and the random pre monsoon rains that could hit anywhere at any time!

That's enough about Vietnam for now!

I guess in a way, there was some inspiration too. Despite being a communist country (a weird hybrid communist country that has none of the benefits of communism such as free health care, education and supposed lack of poverty and a capitalist work force - across the road from our hotel was the local jeweller who had THREE Ferraris!) there was still the Buddhist church. As we all well know I am not overly religious and have lost my faith in God but at each pagoda I did send a heart felt plea that perhaps this time my IVF would work and I would finally become a Mum.

Lastly, IVF 3.3. I started the spray today (ugh, ugh, ugh) so I guess this is it. I am supposed to start my stims on the 29/09 pending my E2 results and today I wrote out my schedule and feel a little bit better about it all and not as overwhelmed.

The BCP's have kicked my arse. I have put on weight already! In fact reading through the side effects I have nearly all of them including mood swings, depression (did you read my last post??), breast tenderness, breakthrough bleeding and WEIGHT GAIN. I am so pissed off. Anyway, I am going to go hardcore - right after this little piece of chocolate - up until the stims really kick in to try and balance it out. Aghhhh this better bloody work!

Ok, that is enough from me. I am tired and have to work tomorrow. Boo!!

Love to you all xoxo

Vietnam

2011-09-18T16:10:00.002+10:00

Vietnam should come with a warning label for infertiles that pregnancy abounds on every street corner. Once you get over the fact that every morning you will be served by a pregnant lady you can enjoy this wonderful country.

I have had an amazing time. Have taken thousands of photos and and have learned so much.

We fly out in a few hours and we are relaxing at the hotel bar before we meet our transfer.

I only have 4 days of BCPs to go. To say I am terrified of the next month drastically undermines my emotions at present. I have just caught up on 100s of posts and seriously everyone got a BFP. Congratulations!! But what scares me? We all know there is only so many positives that get handed out, does that mean I miss out again? Before I have even started? Did I mention how terrified of failure I am??

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Hanoi

Leaving on a big jet plane

2011-09-08T17:10:00.001+10:00

Big Jet Plane - Angus & Julia Stone

I am procrastinating, Chippie is home in 30 minutes and I really need to finish packing.

Tomorrow morning bright and early we are off to Vietnam! I can't wait, I truly think it is just the tonic this tired old soul needs.

Yesterday I had my IVF appointment with the nurse. It was, well, it was exhausting. Treating NK cells is more complex than your straight IVF and it seems that I have a lot to do. During the appointment I felt tears prick the back of my eyelids. I should be twenty weeks pregnant but here I am contemplating it all over again. I mean, I can do it but the thing is I don't really want to do it. I am really scared by the C.lexane needles that I have to take, the infusion of intralipids, the steroids all of it. It just seems to be so much. I just have to remember, end goal, baby and unfortunately for me this is the only way I can get one. Damn those NK cells.

Ok, I think that is enough self pity for one afternoon. I mean did I forget! This time tomorrow I will be getting off a big jet plane and ready to immerse myself in the Vietnamese culture. Oh did I mention food and beer. Yes I will be eating and drinking lots as it will all stop when I get home!

This will be my last post for about 10 days unless I get some free WiFi.

For today's creativity challenge post I thought I would go "holiday mode" so I have put together a mock up of my flight outfit and my outfit for our first day wandering around Saigon.

In Flight Outfit

It is a nine hour flight and when I leave home it is going to be about 4 degrees (5.30am we have to leave) but when I arrive in Saigon it will be about 30 degrees so it is all about layering. As a Melbournian I know all about layering. The idea was to wear leggings, a summer dress, winter cardigan and flats and take on board a pair of socks so that when we arrive I can strip everything off to the dress and flats and be ready to roll.

What do you think?

Hanging in 'Nam

Ok, truthfully, the boots aren't coming but I am going to wear this outfit at home. I am currently very much into orange and with my super dark recently coloured hair it looks really nice. I seem to have a lot of orange and red!

Have a great week everyone. Good luck those that are in their TWW and I will have lots of Vietnam inspired creativity for when I get back. If you haven't already and want to be a part of the challenge jump over and let Jen know, she mentioned putting a list together and we can all hang together.

xo

Experimenting with my new camera & wall art

2011-09-07T10:32:00.000+10:00

I haven't done anything particularly creative this week but I have some ideas on the burner. Firstly I want to repaint a chest that Chippie made as a teenager at trade school I want to use it for the "one day baby room" and figure this challenge is as good as time as any to get moving on it. The second challenge will involve Mum's help and her trusty sewing machine! I want to make some new outdoor cushion covers for our courtyard lounge in a stronger more durable fabric and darker so that little itsy dog paws don't make obvious marks! These are things I am going to attempt on my return. Finally I have some amazing fabric I bought in Thailand nearly ten years ago, I have always wanted to do something with it and it is sitting in my cupboard, I am going to research ways to use it and look for some inspiration.

Yesterday I splurged and bought myself a digital SLR Canon 1100D. I wanted to buy the 550D but there was an almost $400 price difference and being a gigantic amateur I couldn't justify it, particularly with a holiday and IVF coming up. However I received a bonus at work and for once I wanted to spend it on something fun rather than assisted conception treatments! I love it already the photos are so much better. Surprisingly we got a brochure in the mail for some night courses for local TAFE's and one was an 8 week beginners photography course which starts in October and I think I am going to do it. It was really affordable and gives me something to do as I find myself bored at nights now I no longer study and I need new things to keep me motivated.

Using my new camera I thought I would show you a wall art hanging that I "created". I was really enthralled with the tram banner art but at $800 a pop I couldn't really afford it. I thought about creating one from scratch but we couldn't get the right font and I didn't really know how to do it. A month or so later I was having breakfast at a local cafe and went to the newsagents / gift shop to pick up the paper. There looking at me was a tea towel with the almost the exact tram banner wording I wanted (local town names). It was $7! I thought what if I used the tea towel and then bought a big frame from IKEA and tried that, if it didn't work what was $7 and if it did GREAT!

The stool came from a local shop in Balnarring, over the past 12 months any time an IRL friend got a BFP I went shopping, this stool was bought to you by Lucy.

I thought the area needed a bit of colour and our wedding lemon tree gave us fruit for the first time this year! I didn't know what to do with it all so I filled a round bowl and put it on the stool. Chippie said but now no one can sit on it, errr like they did anyway!

I was really happy with the finished product and more importantly I didn't break the bank!

I have to confess, I am really enjoying this I have hardly thought of IVF at all. I hope you don't mind the non infertility posts. I do have an idea for a series of guest posts from close friends and family about how my infertility affects them but I have to speak to them first. I wanted one from a close friend who is super fertile, my sister and maybe Chippie (he doesn't really do computers).

An intro to some things creative

2011-09-06T09:56:00.000+10:00

Chippie is the creative in our house. He loves designing things and honestly he is the only husband / partner I know who demands to be part of the interior design thing. It can be frustrating at times because he is really pushy, but then he turns out ideas like this.

We were on our honeymoon when we walked into a photography gallery and immediately Chippie noticed the floorboards as being an unusual timber. He asked the lady what type of timber they were and she told us that they were a Queensland rainforest timber called Blackbean. The trees are quite magnificent as we found out for ourselves when we visited the Daintree.

Two days later he woke up and said to me "I am going to make a dining room table out of that timber!" So off we went to source timber from the local timber yard, hired a car, drove to Cairns and made arrangements for it to be shipped down to Melbourne! The timber is a recycled floorboard timber and the different colours are actually from the same tree, the honey gold strains are a vein that runs through the middle of the tree. We stained it with a clear stain and the legs are hollow he made these by joining four pieces of the floorboard together and ensuring the patterns matched.

Quite often people will say to me, did you buy anything on your honeymoon and I say , no not really and then I remember, well yes I did and I see it every single day! It is definitely a talking point in our home and looks amazing bare or with a lovely centrepiece of white lillies.

The table seats 8 easily and has had 10 seated very comfortably. We scouted around for some chairs which we found at Freedom but then (chippie again!) found the exact same chairs for $70 cheaper at a furniture shop in his home city of Bendigo. His parents purchased the chairs as our wedding present.

Last Autumn, we had a dinner party and I went with a harvest apple theme. Excuse the feather duster in the background and refer to my last posts warning of my photography skills! I can't take full credit for the idea, my brother's adorbz girlfriend is a florist (she will feature this challenge) and I rang her and said I needed some ideas for table decorations and she said what about apples. I collected some sturdy tea tree branches from our garden and made use of all the odd jars in the house. It looked amazing with candles lit and I had my best fine white wedding china out. The timber platter is also from our honeymoon, I bought it at the local Port Douglas market from a local artisan and it was made out of another type of rainforest timber.

The Creativity IVF Distraction Challenge

2011-09-05T11:10:00.001+10:00

The wonderfully talented Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margartia posted some amazing links to blogs and websites that inspire her. For anyone that is a dog lover you have have to check out the Design Milk blog and then look at the Dog page, Chippie and I were drooling!

Anyway I thought to myself I have two months of IVF treatments coming up and to be perfectly honest as soon as I say I.V.F I start hyperventilating and this wonderful aura of calm and the bubble I have created for myself immediately disperses as I feel my chest tightening and I don't want to be in that place, so what can I do to distract myself from this feeling.

We are going to spend the next two months or so on a bit of a creativity challenge where we will post images of DYI we are attempting, pictures that inspire us and things we would like to try in the future. This could be anything from a recipe you tried out, to something I have attempted to sew (ba ha ha ha) or some interior design! These of course will be intermingled with blogs about what is going on infertility wise, but the first month is the pill, boring what can I tell you about that? Nothing you haven't already heard before and I don't really want the first month to draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag writing about how the pill has made my boobs bigger and I am an emotional wreck (which is why I stopped the pill in my mid 20's!).

This post comes with a word of warning - I am an accountant and not a particularly good photographer but I plan on becoming better which is stage one of my creativity challenge! Which I guess the next stage of my challenge is to actually buy a new camera because my current one is about 10 years old and my camera phone takes better photos!

Anyone that would like to join in please get on board and help us distract ourselves from our upcoming IVF cycles :)

My perfect cycles

2011-09-02T10:25:00.003+10:00

Coming soon to a movie theatre near you.....direct from the Mornington Peninsula.......starring fertility clinic stars Chon & Chippie .......medical science brings to you.......

IVF v3.3

-cue- Chon running through the waves in a skimpy bikini before pulling out an AK47 shooting all the fertile's and saving the world (please note the last bit was just a joke, the shooting bit not the saving the world bit, that shit is still going to happen)

Yes, my friends, today is CYCLE DAY ONE. da da da dummmmmmmmmm

Despite a perfect ovulation, perfectly timed sex and ok, a perfect length cycle I clearly can't do this the natural way.

Phone call to clinic - check
Purchase BCP's - check - seriously I already had them
Start taking them - I guess tonight - do I start in the red?

Here we are again, lining up for our 6th transfer. I am cool, calm, collected and totally zen.

I can do this. I have done this! Now it just has to stick.

Label under "Lady are you serious?"

2011-08-31T16:38:00.001+10:00

I also thought you could file it under "oh no she didn't!"

Oh little Miss Sunshine, if only life was as easy as getting knocked up by manifesting an image of yourself being pregnant under a picture you put on the wall then I would have a brood of children loaded up in the Tarago by now.

Sigh - why do morons always seem to get pregnant so quickly?

Just another manic Monday!!

2011-08-29T13:12:00.001+10:00

T - 5 days until I start my annual leave! I am super excited! I am going to meet my little brother for lunch next week to pick up the tickets and then pack my bags and get ready to roll.

We had a super busy but fun weekend. Chippie turned the big 3-0 last week and we had a party for him Saturday night. It was pretty intimate as he is actually quite introverted and was pretty adamant that he really only wanted his good friends. Initially I was a bit jacked off because I wanted to invite my friends but I think I have mentioned before I have 13 best girlfriends plus partners would have doubled the size of his guest list. I didn't want to invite a handful and not the others so I decided it was best to invite none, still I missed my girls though!!

He had such a good time and it was really great to relax and catch up with interstate and regional friends.

But.

Yes there was a but.

I was confronted with the pregnancy demons. One was very close to my heart, we both got our BFP's on the same day through IVF and I was a little nervous about seeing her bump given it would be the same as mine would have been, however L is such a cool chick that at no point was I ever confronted with the fact she was still pregnant and I wasn't. It was so awesome to catch up that I didn't get any pangs in my heart, ok, maybe one or two but it wasn't like a wallop to the head with a gloved fist.

The other demon was a stinger. Remember the guy I told you about whose wife was pregnant with twins but "it wasn't IVF". Well it really wasn't IVF. They are having identical twins and she is due in October - I thought she must have only recently got pregnant and had been trying for a while but, no she fell pregnant when IVF 2.2 failed. Identical twin boys. Ouch!

I was fortunate that they are both super lovely people and didn't at any stage make me feel sad that they were pregnant and I wasn't. Beautiful, thoughtful people. The world needs more of them!

But. Man it sucks!

The big P is due at the end of this week and it means IVF 3.3 is gearing up. I start the pill for a month (so no holiday baby for us) and when we get back it is game on! I am so ready for this.

I can't wait :)

NK Ninja's

2011-08-25T09:51:00.001+10:00

According to Chippie I was a little aggressive in my last post. After I gave him a swift kick in the head I thought I would provide some levity.

Whatever, I think I am funny!!!

Infertile 101: Why adoption isn't always the answer

2011-08-22T10:19:00.002+10:00

Adoption.

That old chestnut. The pearl of wisdom that seems to vomit out of every person's ignorant mouth;

- have you thought about adoption?
- there are thousands of desperate unwanted children in the world?
- you obviously have lots of money, good job, prospects why don't you just adopt?

Last time I checked there wasn't a warehouse down the road that was filled with these desperate and needy babies. A big Babies R Us or a Baby Bunnings where you can saunter in choose your child, "domestic or international ma'am?" and walk out with your future and your life complete.

Adoption, a bigger decision than IVF, IUI's or clomid, life changing in more ways than one. For some, the end of a dream, a belief that they can conceive a child with their partner. For the adoptee a new family and home, one that sometimes they don't necessarily want.

Whenever I hear the phrases why don't you just adopt it makes my skin crawl. Not in a creepy way but just in a "could you have a different solution to my infertility way", a sick of hearing such a casual response to such a difficult issue.

I feel like they think it is an automatic cure to my pain of being unable to conceive a child. That by simply adopting a child I can put an end to my own hurt and suffering at my bodies failure to conceive. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for adoption. However for me, right now, on this path it is not for me, but it is certainly something I have considered for the future. In fact I even asked for some information on it. Only to be told that before I would get my information pack I had to pay a fee of $250. Adoption right, the most selfless thing to do in the world but I have to pay $250 before I even get to find out a little bit more about it.

The worst comments are those that indicate that wanting our own child is evidenced of our need for more, it is selfish, a demonstration of our indulgent need for wealth. So shoot me, I want my own child. I don't want to adopt. I want a child that is a part of me and of my husband. I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, I want to breastfeed. Why is it so bad of me, so wrong to want my own child. Apparently it is because "if you can't have your own child it is the gods, the worlds, natures way of telling you that you shouldn't." I have two things to say to this;

one: if the god's, the world, nature is going to be such a hard nosed bastard and not let me have a child then why was science invented? thank you IVF.
two: if they, being the higher order choose to let this particular scum of society have a child then you can be pretty sure at some point they intended to let me have a child

Finally, adoption is really, really expensive. It is heartbreaking, there are less guarantee's than IVF and it is a road not all of us want to go down. The next time you think adoption is the answer you need to really think about what you have said or offered. You also need to put yourselves in our shoes and if you haven't experienced infertility or even started trying for a child then you really have no idea how you would feel about adoption. Adoption is not always the answer, it is not the easy solution and it is not the golden egg of solving infertility. Apparently, adoption = good deed, this way you aren't being selfish and bringing another child into a populated world. Because of course when I decided I wanted to be a mother it was all about performing a charitable act to the world. Parenting isn't about charity, parenting is a need that comes from deep within you. I certainly wouldn't choose to adopt simply so I can put a big check mark next to my name as having done a "good thing" because when you tell us to do it because wanting our own is selfish, it makes me think it is more selfish that you think by doing it we should be awarded a Nobel prize for greatness and selflessness.

You might be wondering where this post is coming from. It started as over the weekend I read some of the most ignorant, obnoxious responses to a blog entry that was posted by in-fucking-fertility.

It started off with this, then that and then the worst was from the "previously infertile" person who was such a smug sounding bitch that even my husband said, who the fuck wrote that? Oh there was plenty more, my personal favourite was from the person who has never been pregnant, never tried to get pregnant but had the audacity to tell her that she as a selfish bitch to rain on someone else's happiness.

Let's back it up a bit. Infertile's, for the most part, don't hate on pregnant women. But what we do want and demand is a little bit of fucking respect to our pain, especially if someone is aware of our difficulties. Until you have experienced infertility, trust me you don't have a god damn clue what it is like. I was as ignorant as hell and like many others couldn't get what all the fuss was about, but trust me when every 4 weeks your body once again tells you that it didn't work then you try and be a happy fucking vegemite every time your body lets you down. Again, again and again.

People for the most part don't seem to recognise infertility as being a medically related issue. They all view, and I know I am being very generalistic here, but they view infertility as being the equaliser and just the way it is. I defy that. Infertility is a medical issue. That's why we struggle. There is no reason for and no cause.

I guess the whole point of it is, we know that people don't get pregnant just to rub it in our face. I know when my very fertile friends decided to have a child they didn't sit down and factor me into their decision. We get this. And we don't actually want other people to ever go through what we go through. But it goes back to my post last week, a little bit of grace and respect goes a long way. Just because we now have these social forums to talk about every little thing it doesn't mean you actually have to. And maybe your belly gets a little tight or sore but you don't have to stand there and rub it and look at me and tell me how fucking great pregnancy is. Because I get it, I want to be that person but I don't need to have it shoved in my face every single day.

In conclusion for this Infertile 101 class; adoption is not always the answer. Children don't go on trees. I don't have a never ending bank balance. And I don't want to touch your belly.

-------
as usual Elphie can say it so much better than moi;
- http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/02/21/stuff-infertile-people-like-3-being-told-you-can-just-adopt-2/
- http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/08/22/why-is-wanting-a-baby-selfish/

Wise Words

2011-08-17T09:52:00.003+10:00

I love receiving old school mail. It is such a joy to know someone has taken the time to write out a card or a letter and a simple note and then purchase a stamp and find a post box and send it. To me it seems to be imbued with a sense of those long lost days when everything was just a little bit quieter and a little less chaotic and where we didn't know everything about someone from social mediums.

One of my best friends sent me the clipping below from the Sunday Magazine for me to read. I have attached it below for you to read. If you click on the picture it will be easier to read.

To me it was beautiful. Moo doesn't have children but her eldest sister has suffered multiple miscarriages, IVF failures and the loss of her son at 20 weeks gestation. She understands through her sisters heartbreak what this means to me.

I read it to Chippie last night and we both had a tear in our eye at the end. Particularly the last sentence, you see Chippie has just had to figure out whether or not it is worth staying friends with someone he has known his whole entire life because his friend can't seem to master that very last sentence. When told about our miscarriage (three months later mind you) his words were "it happens". I love how almost three years of heartbreak, multiple IVF failures, a miscarriage and everything else that has happened to use was summarised by someone as "it happens". This guy wouldn't know it happens if it punched him in the face. He is such a selfish, self obsessed wanker. He can't come down for Chippie's birthday, a small gathering of his best mates, people coming from interstate because his wife apparently has him on a short leash (she is about to give birth) which is fine, except when in the next breath he tells Chippie how went camping for a few days last week - what is it short leash or can't be bothered? I suppose, it happens......

It just goes to show the friends you want to keep in your life that care enough to take the time to send you a letter and those that in your heart of hearts, know it is time to let go. A little bit of grace goes a long way.

S&M Facebook Style

2011-08-12T13:00:00.001+10:00

Sometimes when I am feeling particularly in the mood for self harming I do a little Facebook surfing. Let me elaborate, what I do is search out people who I used to know in another life to see if they have any children. The statistics tell us that 20% of people will suffer infertility, therefore I know there is a bloody good chance that 80% of my stalking will result in pictures of babies. And oh yes babies rained down on me. Some women were super fertile, breeding at a rate of 1 per year, in fact one had popped out three in the whole time I had been trying. It was evil to do this to myself.

I guess it started when Chippie told me about joint friends, well more his friend but my acquaintance and the fact they were pregnant again, then he said they are pregnant - twice. She was pregnant with twins. It was my first close announcement of pregnancy since my miscarriage and I am ashamed (not really) to say that I didn't handle it well. I came down with a full case of the sulks. I am actually more pissed off because they immediately said that it wasn't IVF and they didn't have help which automatically gets my IFradar going and I think bullshit. She is a 40 year old woman who took a while to conceive her first, whatever. I mean it is up to them to say nothing at all but don't tell me it is nothing if it is something cause that makes me feel like nothing.

Then I get home and watch the TV and some stupid TV personality is pregnant, well his wife is, with identical twin boys. Double twin announcement. Doesn't matter to me I don't know this person other than the fact he is on TV I still felt slighted and robbed. Especially because they are due when I would have been due so not only did I lose my baby she got two and I got none. I was royally pissed off.

That's when I decided, in for a a penny in for a pound and went Facebook stalking. As each page turned and I looked at some random who I hadn't seen for 15 years with pictures of her progeny and I felt the weight of disappointment on me. Crushing me. It makes me feel like such a failure. The worst thing was it was such a mixed bag - the people that waited like me to get married cause they hadn't found Mr Right - boom pregnant clearly on honeymoon, those that had kids straight out of high school and those that just clearly had a perfect life all mapped out for them and it went the way it was supposed to.

I looked at my flabby IVF induced belly and another piece of chocolate which was clearly another act of self flagellation and wondered why I got stuck with this lot.

Only thing that made me feel better is despite my little flabby belly I still reckon my babies will be cuter. Damn straight.

Tired

2011-08-11T09:48:00.001+10:00

I am so tired today. As in bone tired, can't open my eyes, exhausted.

This morning I lay in bed and I was awake but my eyes were almost glued shut. I could hear the birds, I could sense it was getting lighter but I just couldn't seem to wake up.

Then I got up, went into the kitchen and the whole day just seemed to have such a heaviness too it. My house needs to be cleaned, the pantry restocked, the laundry needs to be washed and dried and put away and I have to do some paperwork for my husband and I feel a little overwhelmed by it all.

I think ultimately I need a holiday, some time off it has been over a year since I took a holiday and a lot has happened since then. A lot of water under my bridge. A lot of sadness but happiness too.

I am going to have a coffee. Less than four weeks to go.

Award night

2011-08-09T15:41:00.003+10:00

The gorgeous Athena (although now I know she picks her nose, hmmmm) nominated me for a blog of substance award.

There was something she said that resonated deeply with me, about the desire to have human connection. Initially I entered the blogging world not because of the community that existed, in fact I was completely unaware of such a community but because I had this intense urge to write about my story. There was a deep need in me to record what was happening to me.

The community was an added bonus but then it became the reason I wrote because I needed to feel that I wasn't alone.

With nearly 90% of the people I first started following becoming pregnant some I have stopped following because there was no connection but the ones I still do, I follow and I comment and I desire their support because as Athena said, I am writing, wanting needing that human connection. I need to know I am not alone even though I haven't progressed to the staying pregnant part.

Thanks for all of your support Athena - you scabie loving, rock throwing, sadistic but beautiful woman!

The rules are to nominate 7 things about yourself and then nominate 7 bloggers. I will try to nominate some new blogs I read and also those that like awards. One of my favourite bloggies, Toni doesn't like to do these and renominate but you know what this time I am so going to nominate her.

1. With my new IVF cycle in October I am going to be taking no less than 10 different types of medication. This may or may not leave me with a moustache and 5 extra kilos.
2. When I was 9 years old I fell off the back of my sisters bike and broke my arm. My mum said to my sister that I had legs and could walk (we were entertaining) she was horrified when I had actually broken my arm. She is still the reason why I want to become a mother.
3. I love brussle sprouts
4. I am a damn fine cook but I don't do desserts very well
5. I hate other people's feet and their toenails make me ill
6. I have an outie belly button with a little mole in the middle
7. I am off to Vietnam in 4 weeks

Now to nominate

1. The Bunless Oven
2. Mommy Odyssey
3. Team Baby
4. Ree
5. Infertility Unexplained
6. Eggs in a Row
7. Diana @ Bun(less) in the Oven

These are some great new ladies I have been reading who are still struggling, still trying to reach their goals and achieve their dreams of becoming mothers.

A busy weekend

2011-08-05T12:35:00.000+10:00

This week we have had a little preview to spring with an unseasonally warm first week of August. It has been heavenly, winter started ridiculously early and only the week before I had loudly and strongly protested from my office that I was officially done with being cold. Can you believe someone listened and gave me a brilliant week of nice weather. I didn't even have the heater on - in Rye, Victoria - in August. Bliss*

I wish whoever heard that protest bloody listened to my Get Me Pregnant protest. But perhaps that is a case of she who protests to much - I think I completely butchered that.

Tonight my sister is coming with my nephews to stay the night and I am babysitting all of tomorrow. This will happen for the next three weeks as Mum & Dad are in America on a lovely 6 week holiday. My sister was stressing as Mum babysits on Saturdays so she can work so I said I would help out. Then Saturday night I am heading into the city to watch the Ballet with my girlfriends. I haven't done a city "thing" for so long, I am excited about having dinner and drinks and going to my first ballet recital - how sophisticated.

I can't believe we are here in August. It scares me but somehow I feel like I have gained a level of peace that I haven't felt for such a long time. It is almost as if finding out I had natural killer cells, combined with my crooked sacrum and actually working on something, having a diagnosis of sorts has given me a level of hope that has been in absentia for nearly three years. Perhaps v.3.3 will be a winner with the straighter back, responsive leftie and a plan of attack against those pesky killer cells.

Which brings me to my next observation - is it just me or does everyone else have this picture of little ninja's with little black head gear running around with swords attacking my uterus and embryos? That is all I can see, every time one of Chippie's swimmers races valiantly to the finish line there is a NK Ninja going "hoooo ya" and smashing it into oblivion. I feel like doing a voice over to my uterus and saying "next time I'll get you". Actually I just did that.

Everyone have an awesome weekend. See you on the flip side. (Did I just say that? What a wanker)

* shut up Tee

The Period Mix

2011-08-02T11:58:00.002+10:00

Chippie and I watched "No Strings Attached" on Sunday night.

a) it was a really good rom com
b) love that Chippie enjoys watching a good rom com
c) the best scene was the period mix. Yes, Ashton Kutcher (Adam) gives Natalie Portman (Emma) a mix tape. She lives with two girlfriends and a gay best friend and they are all "cycling" together. In saunters, Adam who arrives with donuts and a mixed CD for Emma. The CD is a compilation of period songs. You might find it twee I found it bloody funny! Mo saying it isn't over till the Red Lady sings made me think of it. Ladies, next time we found ourselves in red hell here is a song list for you! By the by, Natalie Portman was terrific.

1. Even Flow- Pearl Jam

2. The Tide Is High- Blondie

3. Red Red Wine- UB40

4. Sunday Bloody Sunday- U2

5. I’ve Got The World On A String- Frank Sinatra

6. Muddy River- Johnny Rivers

7. Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis

8. Here Comes The Flood- Peter Gabriel

9. Red Rain- Peter Gabriel

10. Waterfalls- TLC

11. Red Red Rose- The Weepies

12. Red Tide- Neko Case

13. Why Does It Always Rain On Me- Travis

14. I Love You, Period- Dan Baird

15. Just A Girl- No Doubt

16. Here Comes The Rain- Eurythmics

17. Everybody Hurts- R.E.M.

18. Stormy Pinkness- They Might Be Giants

19. Time To Flow- D-Nice

20. Blood Is Thicker Than Water- Wyclef Jean f. The Product G&B

It's a bust

2011-08-01T10:33:00.001+10:00

it is only halfway but I can already tell that my sneaky clomid didn't work this month.

hello snappy Chon. god damn PMS.

Marley & Me; the book 10 second review

2011-07-30T16:07:00.000+10:00

One thing that normally never comes out of my mouth is

"the movie was better than the book"

but sorry John Grogan in this case, Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson were much more likeable than you ever were in your book. In the movie, you get the sense that Marley is loved for his rumbustious, in the book. I don't know you kind of seemed to be pissed most of the time.

But perhaps it was the following lines that to me encapsulated the whole smug fertile, zero care factor, bad attitude that comes with never experiencing the sheer terror, loss of hope, stress and heart ache that is infertility.

Frankly we were terrified. We had several sets of friends who had tried for months, years even, to conceive without luck and who had gradually taken their pifitful desperation public. At dinner parties they would talk obsessively about doctor's visits, sperm counts and timed menstrual cycles, much to the discomfort of everyone else at the table. I mean, what were you supposed to say? "I think your sperm counts sound just fine!" It was almost too painful to bear. John Grogan, Marley & Me, p.28

Wow, I mean really wow. Thanks for marginalising 20% of the population that wonder if they are ever going to become parents. That have to go through the indignity of having probes stuck up their vagina, pulling off in a sterile room - that is something that is too painful to bear. Listening to me opening my heart somehow doesn't seem to be as painful. Oh and for the record, personally your booked sucked. Having to hear about how scared and sad you were that your dog was going to die is probably one millionth of how I feel every day about never becoming a mother. But our apologies for thinking that we could possibly talk about our worries. You probably wanted to talk about how you picked up a steaming pile of dog turd. I don't know, babies, dog turd let's see which one hurts the most.

How about you say to your friends when they are scared and sad, right now this situation sucks and I feel awful for you and if you ever need to get it off your chest or go out for a beer because it has all turned to shit again, I will be a friend. Not be the first person that says after they leave the room "thank goodness they have gone!" Then his wife has a miscarriage. And it made me want to say, oh sorry what I have to read a chapter about that. I thought this was about a dog. God how painful. Should I have said, let's just ignore this situation and with a hearty chuckle bellow, well better luck next time old chap, better put the oar back in the water and try again but let's dare not talk about how this makes you feel because quite frankly it is awfully uncomfortable. Oh and post natal depression from your wife, oh how 1995. What another chapter in your book, pretty good for someone who states that it is uncomfortable to deal with this.

I really struggled to get through the rest of the book. Especially when he all but stands on top of a mountain with no shirt on to proudly proclaim how quickly it takes them to get pregnant, way to go arsehole. Thank god they didn't have Facebook back then because you would have been twisting that serrated knife further into one of your pitiful and desperate friends hearts.

I mean, have you ever heard a statement that so succinctly sums up the sadness, hurt, abandoned we feel from our more fertile friends. I don't think out of my nearly three years of trying have I read a statement that was so hurtful.

I noticed that he has another book out (which I definitely wont be reading) that talks about his family and father. I want to say to him, yawn do I have to sit through something else wondering when it is all going to end. Your desperate remembrances of a life you used to share with your father are quite frankly boring to some. Nasty isn't it.

* btw I adore dogs, hence buying the book, loved the movie but he is a douche

An opinion piece, results and an anniversary

2011-07-27T11:39:00.001+10:00

I am a huge sports fanatic. I watch all sports, am an avid AFL follower, love my netball, love the swimming and because of Chippie I have fallen in love with bike riding. Following the Tour de France has become a yearly event for us and we have our routine down pat. We fall asleep between 10pm-11.30pm and wake up to watch the last two hours. We schedule a tea break in at 12.30am to get us through the last hour and kick each other when one looks like dozing off. Let's just say the last three weeks were pretty sleepless but we really enjoyed it and it is a lovely bonding time for the two of us.

Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France has resulted in a media sports frenzy and in truth Chippie and I had a snigger because the previous stages were barely rating a mention apart from the true fanatics but when he won the whole country went into an uproar. Who could blame them? Anyone who witnessed his epic claw back on stage 18 on the Galibier witnessed something truly majestic. Man, mountain and bike and the sheer determination and grit and guts that it took to climb that mountain, with they yellow jersey holding his wheel he rode like a steam train. When quite frankly I would have given up at the bottom of the mountain it was an extraordinary effort. I said to Chippie after the race finished, "oh my god, we have to do it all again tomorrow night". On the slopes of the Alpe d'Huez, Chippie and I had sweaty hands as we watched with bated breaths worried that like previous years the true climbers would sprint away from him and he survived and won the drag finish to the end. To me, you don't need to be a cycling fan to appreciate that kind of commitment, courage, determination and sheer bravery.

On the 25th July, a social media commentator by the name of M*ia F*reedman started off the day with a statement on national TV that she just didn't care about the Tour de France, and you know what that is ok. It is her opinion and I support every persons right to have an opinion. We all know not everyone likes sports and have other interests and beliefs that should never be ridiculed. However when challenged on her beliefs, instead of basing her opinion on fact and balanced supportable truths she trotted out the well worn lines of why do sports people get all the recognition what about doctors and nurses and fire-fighters and support for the arts, after all Cadel wasn't a hero he hadn't saved lives and you know what he lives in Switzerland he doesn't even live in Australia and he just rides a bike. All this was said with a little petulant frown as she just about whined I don't care.

My first thought upon watching that was - what gives you the license to bitchily challenge what someone does? After all what do you do? And trust me it was a little nasty attack. It was childish and rude. Why do we in Australia have this pathetic ability to cut the tall poppy down? Why can't we celebrate someone's achievement in a world where we are constantly provided images of death and destruction. Why shouldn't Cadel be on the front page? I think as one person said, if it was just an average day to day race it would be on the back page but it was the worlds biggest cycling race and he was the first Australian to have ever won it so therefore it is worthy of a front page mention. In life we all choose a profession or a course where we want to be the best we can be and he chose bike riding and he reached the top of his profession after years of slogging it out, why can't we just celebrate and enjoy that?

As for doctors and nurses who save lives, well I am pretty sure they are getting paid for it and as many pointed out afterwards it is actually a rare breed that does it for altruism rather than adulation and the money they receive. Let's take fertility specialists as a prime example. If you have money you can get treated, if you don't have any money well you might as well forget about it. I don't see any of my specialists saying to me "let me make sure you can have babies for free because I am a doctor and it is my duty to save/help people". When I had my miscarriage none of them gave a shit, when I failed the first 4 IVF transfers I didn't have anyone reaching out to help me yet according to Mia I should be showering them with front page articles and praise because they are doctors. Simply excelling in their chosen field. After her inflammatory statements she then professed to be shocked by the vitriol spewed at her following her statements - which shows me a) how far off she was in people's perceptions and b) she was talking shit because she isn't an idiot at all and she knew that people would be offended by her comments. So much for being a social media commentator if you don't understand your audience and what's worse to me she really laid the boots into a person that is so much more than a sportsman. If she wanted to have a crack at a Shane Warne or a Ben Cousins as examples of when glamour sports stars go bad, she wouldn't have caused a stir but to lambaste a man who is by nature; quiet, eccentric, quirky, charitable and probably more embarrassed than anyone by the coverage he is receiving to me demonstrated that she picked the wrong kid in the school yard to bully.

In this day and age we desperately need to have something that we can aspire to. There is so much death, despair and awfulness that happens in the world to actually have someone that is good, normal and inspiring is really bloody nice. If I really wanted to choose between reading about another mad crazed gunman killing people in the name of religion or reading about someone that picked himself up from his bootstraps, overcame adversity and did something about it, I know what I would rather read. Hero is definitely a word that is thrown around far to often but Cadel can definitely be defined as a sporting hero and I for one am very interested, I care a lot and I am extremely proud of what he did.

I have some results back as well. After visiting Dr Cowboy he immediately suggested accessing my biopsy results in April and testing them for Natural Killer cells. As you all know I have long held the belief that I had high NK cells. For two reasons 1) because I desperately needed to believe that there was something hindering my chances of having a baby and 2) because I suffer from a condition called iritis which is an inflammation of my iris and is an immune related dysfunction. Unfortunately the reason I get iritis also falls into the unexplained category however the symptoms of NK cells and iritis were closely linked. There were many similarities.

I was right. I have a medium to high reading of NK cells. I was in the >15 but less than 20. You need to be less than 10 to have a normal reading. Wow. An answer of sorts after nearly three years of heart ache. I cried when I found out. Suffering with unexplained infertility is heart crushing. You are left blankly wondering month after month why this isn't working for you. Both Chippie and I have been subjected to a multitude of tests that all have come back with no answers. To finally have some reason as to why this may not be working was a relief. The next day came the despair. We are to do a down regulation cycle so that means, yes you guessed it, no IVF for me next month. September would be the month of action and we are in Vietnam. I am going to start the pill after my next period and get ready for a late September IVF. I know that many of you thought I should wait anyway but I was really ready to do it again. I feel good mentally and physically so it is another set back that I have to deal with. I am going to use this time to continue on my health kick, keep on shopping and enjoy life but it is the middle of winter, wish it was the middle of summer to enjoy life.......

Lastly an anniversary. Ok not a real anniversary but by the time IVF v3.3 starts (that is 3 fresh, 3 frozen) it will be three years. Maybe all these threes are my magic number? Who knows? I just know I am bloody sick of this crap.

Le shagathon

2011-07-24T20:14:00.002+10:00

In the spirit of Cadel winning the tour all thoughts are in French. Which quite frankly suits me right down to the ground. If I could be reincarnated as any nationality it would be French. Let's see food, wine, fashion, that language and bike racing. Oh not to mention flawless home decorating, gardens and overall joie de vivre.

Anyway, we've had a fair crack this month. Anything to avoid going through IVF again right. I am under no illusions that this will work, the chances are slim to none. Still, I can dream.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Crush

2011-07-21T13:34:00.000+10:00

At home in Australia we are all obsessed with a show called Offspring, and when I say obsessed it is all my girlfriends and I can talk about. It is all over our Facebook pages. We find similarities in the story lines, we relate and we gossip about it. It has got to the point where we are contemplating Offspring nights to watch it together. I haven't been like this since the naughties began, maybe even further back. Season two has been a fabulous and I haven't missed an episode. They have dealt with infertility (not brilliantly), miscarriage (brilliantly), lots of sex scenes (love Nina's daydreams too) and other drama's that as a woman in her 30's I can relate to so very easily. I love that it is set in Melbourne too so you can relate to the locations.

But, what has got us all talking is Dr Patrick Reid. I haven't had a crush like this since I was in love with Johnny Depp in Year 7. I actually want to buy Smash Hits and put his poster up on my wall or locker or actually, ok, I would put it up at work just to have him stare at me with those eyes and say to me "I don't think I can share you" or "I am not very good at this relationship thing" or if I was freaking out over my family coming for dinner and I couldn't find the vegie peeler he would calmly come over pluck it out of the spoon jar and then calm me down [only Offspring watchers would get this]. This man has got us all a quiver and I wont lie, if he walked in front of me I would take him down and make him be my babies daddy. I wouldn't care if Chippie was there (and to be honest Chippie is sporting a man crush too). Seriously I have issues.

I think it is the scene's with Nina that get us going. He is just so damn sexy and he doesn't put up with her waffle and he just get's her (and thus he gets us because we all have a little bit of Nina in us)

I don't even think this is from Offspring. God damn it LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT and I would slay dragons for you.

You know what I look at this one and what do I see, my relationship before TTC begun. When sex was fun and naughty and hot and wan't measured by an egg timer. Sigh.

This is getting rather ridiculous

2011-07-21T13:02:00.000+10:00

I was thinking last night before I dropped off to sleep what haven't I tried to get pregnant. The full scale of my foray's both scientific and holistic is really getting somewhat over the top. But I persist and one day when I finally stay pregnant I will be able to say I never sniffed on no mother fucking toilet seat and got pregnant but I did do this;

HOLISTIC

Acupuncture for nearly two years, we broke up. She told me there was never a uterus she couldn't fix. Then she met me - the unexplained infertile.
Naturopath just two visits. I proceeded to use an entire box of tissues, she gave me some revolting herbal mixture to reduce the stress which surprisingly worked but it was just another day that I had to miss of work so I never went back.
Kinesiology, referred to me my great mate M, this actually did make me feel better about myself. Of course only when I saw D. When I saw her maternity leave fill in (yes the irony doesn't escape me) she was bloody useless and I felt like a fool lying on the table getting my chakras realigned
Energy lady. One of my best friends booked a visit for me. Heart was in the right place but lets be honest that was a load of crap.

VITAMINS

For Him: Zinc, Cold Pressed Fish Oil and Men's Multivitamins. The cause of too many fights to mention. I didn't realise it was so hard for a male to swallow three fucking tablets nightly. But apparently it is.
For Her: Women's Multivitamin, Evening Primrose Oil, Raspberry Leaf Tea and an assortment of Chinese herbs that tasted foul and did fuck all. Correction apparently my hair was shiny

SCIENTIFIC

Laparopscopy, two hysterocopies, biopsy, HSG, two D&C all reveal that I am supposedly god damn perfect
IVF: Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and let's hit the ground running. All failures. Oh hang on I had a miscarriage does that count? Personally I think it is even a bigger failure. It will also make me never be scared of a needle again and more people have seen my hoo ha than I care to count. I think the record was four people at once with my legs in stirrups. I prefer a Brazilian before appointments. If I hear another "mother" tell me wait until I get pregnant I could go postal, at least there is an end result. I haven't even gotten past the start line.
Chiropractor - well this could go between Holistic and Scientific but we'll see

This list should also include

Temping
OPK's
Maybe Baby - say it with me people, CROCK OF SHIT
Leg's up against the wall, bed or couch
Cervical position checking
Cervical mucus checking
No shower, the blasé shower, the do it in the shower
Relaxed, stressed, psychotic

Anything I have missed?

oh hang on, sneaky clomid cycle

The sisterhood of the travelling clomid tablet

2011-07-19T12:29:00.000+10:00

Did I tell you the story about the girl who used illegal drugs?

Well that wasn't me. Well not any more anyway.

One of the benefits of a baby forum is the friendships you make and the allegiance to a common cause. In our case battling infertility and beating the mother fucker.

A friend passed to a friend who passed to little old me and I finished the pack yesterday. Only 25mcg but since my arsehole of a FS#1 (ok he wasn't a true arsehole but I wanted to say arsehole) didn't want to prescribe me ovulation drugs since I already ovulate (ok I nearly got them but my idiot of a husband interrupted and said I don't think we need them in like one of the only appointments he went to). I am over hearing stories of girls with unexplained infertility getting pregnant and that damn sugar being taken away from me. Really it wouldn't have hurt to let me try it for the three months I was on an IVF break.

It was either the clomid or I was going to use up the leftover puregon I had. For me pill popping trumped stabbing myself in the stomach with a needle so there you have it.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if it worked. H-ILAR-IOUS. Just so fucking funny. I think we would all be lying around on the floor having a hysterical snort of laughter that a simple little pill could have saved me three years of heartbreak. Just saying. Just saying, that I wouldn't drive to the clinic and throw a brick through the door of my specialists office, or maybe his Porsche or whatever he drives courtesy of my (our) money that went down his IVF drain. To clarify we were 5 - zip but hey it's a numbers game right. Numbers in his bank balance, right.

Of course the reality is, in the light of day, it bloody wont but we will have a crack anyway.

I haven't told my husband either.

This post came out incredibly snarky and grumpy, I am not really that grumpy. Perhaps some residual PMS?

Happy Little Vegemites

2011-07-18T15:05:00.000+10:00

The other week I spoke about my love for vegemite and how kids in Australia are practically breastfed on the stuff!! I asked my sister for some photos of my nephews eating it and she sent some through - N apparently gave a huge smile when he realised it was for me, photo not staged he really does have it all over his face. Don't laugh at his fringe, apparently it was a bad hair day. The bottom is Master F who is now three years old and a total poser. God I love them so much!

Friday old skool songs

2011-07-15T16:30:00.000+10:00

Remember this song. You can totally belt it out into your hairbrush microphone. I haven't heard it for ages. Love it.

Can I have a serving of PMS with that?

2011-07-12T11:35:00.000+10:00

My old mate P arrived last night and I was torn. Torn because one part of me was happy that it had arrived and I could start moving on and pissed off that I wasn't a good news story. Sure we only had sex three times and I don't even know when I ovulated but god damn it why couldn't it have been me?

I have had some ridiculous PMS. I have been a snappy irritable bitch. I don't normally get PMS but everyone and everything was pissing me off. It is very lucky I don't normally get it because I would probably be friendless, jobless, disowned and my husband would have left me by now. I hope that this is just a nasty side effect of the miscarriage and it wont be like that again.

This period is also heavy. For some perverse reason I decided not to buy any new "lady things" and all I was left with was my big maternity pads that I needed for the miscarriage (anyone else see the sick irony for maternity pads and a miscarriage) and thank heavens I had them because this is a nasty bitch of a period. I have some horrible cramps too.

I am a bit scared because I am now coming up to three years of TTC. Three years. It scares the hell out of me. I know I am trying to be strong and brave but I am really scared that it isn't going to happen.

I find out the results of the NK testing on Wednesday week. I also have to work out whether we will do a fresh cycle before we go to Vietnam or whether we do it afterwards. My fear is all related to the above. Should I take the attitude of "what's another month" or do I move forward. I am absolutely petrified I am running out of time.

My wellness chiropractor is really happy with my progress and I must admit I am noticing the difference. I feel, well I feel more balanced and centred physically (not completely emotionally!) apparently the nervous system improves pretty quickly so in some ways I would like to test out a few months before IVF but again refer to the above, this almost pathological fear I have on running out of time. Yesterday he asked me if my periods before were light and short and I said yes they were and he believes it was from my misalignment. Has he that much faith that it could work naturally? I have lost all hope of it ever working naturally.

Overall that is pretty much it. Not much is really happening at the moment. Oh on a good note I have lost 1 kilo (2.2 pounds) over the last week and a half. I haven't changed diet significantly but I have been running three times a week and building up. Last week I felt the change from the struggle of running to enjoyment. Unfortunately I had to work all weekend and I was on my feet so my legs were too sore to run but I am back tonight. That is the only good news thing at the moment.

Last but not least I want to congratulate Jill on her natural BFP after three years of trying. I can't wait to see her little Mickey Mouse.

Farewell the old me

2011-07-07T10:47:00.000+10:00

I said goodbye to the last bit of my single life today when I picked up my new passport with my married name. I never got my old passport changed over. Perhaps it was some Freudian attempt to hang on to the vestiges of the old Chon, the girl that travelled the world, that lived alone in her flat in the city, the one that drank vodka martini's till 6 in the morning, the one that could slay giants with a withering look - ok guilding the lilly a bit now.

Goodbye Miss Cook. I know you have been married for well over three years now but farewell to the past. Now hurry up future. Babies. Now. No seriously. Now.

Cruel Injustices

2011-07-04T20:42:00.001+10:00

On the weekend I caught up with an ex work friend who is really fun. She has recently moved down our way and it is nice to be able to catch up and have a chat.

After giving each other a cuddle and ordered our coffee (and low fat) muffin we started sharing the gossip. She knows all about my situation and asked how I was going - it was a good day, Friday had been a bad day so I was pretty matter of fact and told her what was happening with the chiro and Dr Cowboy and waiting for my period to arrive (that is a whole other post). I then asked her how she was and that was when the tears started to well up.

When people are about to impart information that they don't want you to hear they get this weird facial expression, they sort of turn away, can't meet your eye and hunch down into their chairs. Oh god, I thought what is she going to tell me. She told me how her younger sister was with her at the moment and straight away I said "she's pregnant". J manage to nod but blubbered it wasn't that she was pregnant that was upsetting her, it was the circumstances.

Her sister is only 23 but has the mental capacity and behaviours of someone much younger, she is engaged to a dominating and influential man who does not want this child, she is unemployed, grossly overweight and incapable of taking care of herself let alone a new baby. Case in point: when she came over to the table where J and I was sitting she pulled a soft looney tunes toy out of her bag, I immediately assumed it was for the baby but no it wasn't it was for her because she collects soft toys.

She didn't know she was pregnant until five months (of course, OF COURSE)and when J took her to the ultrasound appointment because her fiance didn't want a bar of it the man told J she could have the baby. Oh and of course she was told she would probably never have children due to her PCOS but of course, you know, she fell pregnant anyway.

The sister doesn't know what to do. She is thinking adoption. I told J, in this day and age when abortion trumps adoption that it was a very noble thing to do and there would be many families that would benefit by their decison.

I manage to keep a relatively straight and unemotional face but inside I was just dying inside. I got home and I just used the F word for a good five minutes. I mean it is just so unfair. How can someone get pregnant and be so utterly incapable of being a mother. How is it that I have to get social welfare checks and police order checks because I have to go through IVF and then someone that is a perfect candidate for the bloody DHS falls pregnant naturally but nobody is checking her credentials. What will happen is that they will provide her with enough income to never have to get a job. And she doesn't even want this baby, a baby that I would give anything to have. Here I have a fully functioning uterus begging for a baby and what happens? Nothing it is empty and bare. This young girl has no job, no way to look after this baby, no prospects, a fkd up fiance and no desire to give birth and here I am, here we all are with everything to offer and we get nothing.

It is just so unfair and unjust. Why does this happen?

Grief Counselling, Smug Infertile's & Vegemite

2011-06-30T13:24:00.002+10:00

I attended a grief counseling session on Tuesday. In the morning I thought to myself I don't need to go as I am fine but having actually made the appointment I felt it was rude to cancel. A bit of background, Australians as a rule have inherited the stiff upper lip that is quintessentially British. Our favourite sayings are "she'll be right mate", "no worries" and "that's fine" the idea of going to a counselor to actually acknowledge you are having a shit time is pretty alien and nobody ever actually admits they are seeking help. I felt like it was a dirty little secret to go the counselor as if in some ways I was less of a person because I need a bit of help. But let's be honest here I have had a pretty rough trip lately and it is OK to talk to someone about it.

It was fantastic. I mean I really think American's have got it right with therapy sessions, to be honest I am quite compatible with the idea of talking about myself for an hour. In the session I didn't have to hear about how her grandmother's aunty first born child from a step daughter had a miscarriage or how it felt when she went through a similar situation. I could just concentrate on my feelings and thoughts and emotions and talk about it in an environment where I wasn't judged and it was OK to admit that life wasn't always easy and I didn't have to feel that I had to get over it immediately. I spoke about my frustrations that people had said to me "you are lucky that it happened at 6 weeks and not at 12 weeks like with me". When that happened I was so shocked, I mean using lucky and miscarriage and 2.5 years of infertility and five IVF transfers really doesn't conjour up images of luck to me.

She helped me with some coping strategies and ways to deal with my grief. But most of all she just listened quietly and gave me sympathy and I didn't have to worry that I was going to upset her like I do with my mum, sister and MIL. I also liked that I didn't have to validate my desire to have a baby and that she didn't have an opinion on whether we were over populating the world and that it is a selfish desire to have a baby.

I do honestly feel really good, great on some days but I have moments when I get desperately unhappy and moments where it just simply overwhelms me the enormity of all the "$%*!" I have been through. I came out of that session feeling relieved of a burden and whilst I don't have to go every week I think once a month or every now and then to have someone to talk to is just a really great idea. I think it is a good idea for all of us sufferers. The idea of someone listening to you without judgment is crucial to getting through the crap we have been dealt with. Ultimately the idea that we are not alone is really necessary.

While I am on the subject of being honest there is another subject that I am going to touch on because I guess after all it is my blog. Smug infertile's really bug the hell out of me. There are some infertile's that have gotten pregnant and god damn I love them. I love reading their posts and their commentary and they fill me with enjoyment and such pleasure that they escaped this purgatory. I am going to shout out a few now (and there are many many more); Such a Good Egg, Venting Vagina, Fertility Challenged Black Sheep, Elphie, TasIVF'r my main girls - Haidee & Ants - again there are a hell of a lot more that I read, but there are some that are just driving me mental. Whilst I agree that our blogs are our own personal space to write about our feelings, I think some need to remember that they entered this community and were followed due to sharing similar circumstances. If you are going to veer so dramatically the other way and post about things that infertile's hate more than anything else in the world then you have to expect that people will no longer follow. OK I am off my soap box now. I don't normally bitch about things like that but it has been burning me up a wee bit. I have got to calm down ;)

Lastly, I gotta talk about Vegemite. If you haven't tried it you should. I just ate two pieces of toast with lashings of margarine and Vegemite. Is there anything else in the world as good as a hot strong cup of tea and toast and Vegemite? Anyone? I dare you defy me that the rich, thick, salty black spread is not the greatest gift ever given to the culinary palate. I will hunt you down and smear it on your face if you disagree. Vegemite - I love you.

The importance of laughing

2011-06-27T09:59:00.000+10:00

If you knew me in real life you would know that I am good for a laugh. Both at me and with me. I find humour in the ridiculous and I try not to take everything too seriously. That's why for me infertility blows because it takes away the gift of laughter for me. It makes me more withdrawn and sad. I struggle because I love to be happy and positive and a glass is half full type of person. When it rains I normally say well at least the drought has finished when it is hot, well I love it when it is hot I just think to myself well Chonnie girl you look better with a tan but infertility, infertility has made me scowl at the weather and I get upset so easily and quickly. It has really destroyed the defences I had. I haven't laughed much over the last few years and it is impacting my marriage, my friendships and my family life too.

The last two weekends I have rediscovered the joy of laughing.

I laughed at bowling last week, I laughed at Billie on Offspring talking in a low voice to stop her cortisone levels rising so she could protect her 5 week old foetus, I laughed at myself on Saturday for a number of reasons, including and not limited to having lilly pollen on my face when going out for lunch with the lovely M and also when I nearly walked out of the cafe without having paid for lunch, positive that I had paid! I laughed on Sunday with Chippie when we hung out and worked for most of the day doing odd jobs and I laughed when we bought a treadmill for me and watched Chippie try to show off after having eaten KFC and nearly vomiting running at full speed!

I knew I was on the mend when Chippie told me that I was doing really well and that he was really proud of me and that it was like the old Chon had started to come back into his life.

I guess what has happened is that I give up. I give up letting IF control my life. I had a miscarriage and it sucked harder than anything that has ever happened to me. I have never felt as hopeless and useless and unworthy as I did on the day I found out that my levels had dropped. I grieved so hard that I didn't think I was ever going to smile again. I cried so many tears that I realised that I needed help to learn how to control things I can not control. I have failed 5 times at IVF and you know what it fucking sucks. It truly does. But I have other things in my life I need to think about and that is thinking about me and thinking about Chippie and our life together.

Laughter is what I need. I need laughter in my life and this constant stress of infertility and questioning my own self worth and delving back into the aeons of my life wondering what I did that was so wrong and so bad that I can't have my own child has just about destroyed me. But not any more. Chippie and I, we haven't done anything wrong. We are good people and we will make amazing parents.

I need to be happy. I need to remember to laugh. I need to smile. I don't need to be constantly thinking about infertility and what it has taken from me. I need to remember what I have right now in front of me and the beauty in that.

Dr Cowboy

2011-06-23T17:48:00.001+10:00

I had my 2nd opinion consult and it went really well.

Ok, it started off a bit bad because it was over 45 minutes late, which was part of the reason why I left this certain group in the first place when I went to my old FS. You do get the sense of a cattle call. But once I saw him that whole feeling totally went out the window.

He is straight to the point and no bullshit and given the last FS was all about the bedside manner and when I needed bedside manner he was nowhere to be found I am kinda cool with that. The first thing he said was I am going to test you for NK cells. Thank goodness! Finally someone who will test. The great thing too is that he is going to use my biopsy done in April to check, I don't have to do anything else. That is fantastic. When I told him FS#1 didn't really believe in it he told me he "was out of the box" to which I replied "i have nicknamed you Dr Cowboy" he liked it, I think, perhaps he thought piss off lady), who knows. He said he currently has 20 patients that have transferred to him because of recurrent miscarriage and recurrent IVF failures and 18 have now passed 12 weeks. He believes in NK cells and isn't the whole point of medicine that there are new developments and ideas? I say get on board Australia because we are clearly lacking behind the rest of the world. Maybe they have become too used to the constant cash flow unexplained failures provides them. All I know is that if I have NK cells and he gets me pregnant straight away, FS#1 is going to receive a nasty nasty message from me.

The plan (yep that is how comfortable I was we went straight into plans) is to let my body have a full natural cycle after AF arrives. Basically two periods. Then we are going to do the Colorado method, which I don't know much about but I will start researching with an antagonist cycle again. We are both going to do a run of antibiotics that will clear me of any cervical bacteria and to make sure Chippie's swimmers are sparkling. I will be having guided u/s transfers, we will tackle the curved cervix issue and he will put me on prendisilone (sp??) for five days too. It is going to have much more thrown at it but hell, I was relieved that I wasn't the one suggesting things but he was advising me of all the things I wanted to have done anyway.

From here now I am going to relax and enjoy the next two months, continue getting work done on my crooked back that coincidentally feels better already and planning our holiday to Vietnam in September which will either a) be a cause of celebration because I am pregnant or b) will be like a football trip away with the amount of booze I will consume due to no pregnancy status.

There you have it. A new plan, a new day and hopefully HOPEFULLY better news for the back half of this year.

Over and out.

Infertility developments

2011-06-21T09:40:00.000+10:00

Over the long weekend my MIL was telling me a story - you know the one, it generally starts with a

"I know someone"
"Who did [insert x, y or z]"
"and then they"

"GOT PREGNANT"

I normally nod my head sagely, mutter a few obscenities under my breath and profess to have never heard of that and of course I will try it.

This time she was talking to me about chiropractor care and infertility.

I dismissed it and moved on. Then I read this post from Maddy about her visit to a chiropractor. I had a little look at the reference she gave and then I walked past a wellness chiropractor and thought to myself, what's another $60 in the grand scheme of $1000's I have already spent.

I didn't really know what to say when I saw him as it felt foolish to say I am infertile and I read a blog post and apparently there is some truth to the fact that you can go to a chiro and get fixed. But I didn't have any other reason so I basically said that. The first sigh of relief came when he didn't think I was crazy and he said there is a lot of truth to that, the second sigh of relief came when he told me that he and his wife conceived via IVF due to her having damaged tubes. Different scenario's but he understood my mindset and the trauma's I had been through.

He ran some preliminary test's and honestly you could have knocked me down with a feather. I am bloody crooked. I am ..... wait for it ..... 4 kilograms heavier on my left than my right! My blood pressure was higher on my left and my body temperature is higher on my left. It was insane. But the biggest thing was what the thermo imaging on my back demonstrated. It showed that I had a severe misalignment in my sacrem which is the triangular bone that serves as a base for the spinal column and connects the pelvic bones. I don't know if anyone knows much about chiropractic care (I certainly don't) but in my limited understanding the spine runs down your back (thanks captain obvious) and your nervous system runs parallel and shoots out via the gaps in your spine (oh god anyone that is a chiropractor forgive me for butchering that definition). Hang on here is a definition from Dr Google:

The cranial nerves handle head and neck sensory and motor activities .... each spinal nerve is attached to the spinal cord by a sensory and a motor root. These exit between the vertebrae and merge to form a large mixed nerve, which branches to supply a defined area of the bodyRead more: http://www.answers.com/topic/nervous-system#ixzz1PrVRr6eF

Make sense? Essentially these nerves that exit come out via the spinal cord and if you are misaligned, the weight of a 5c piece on your spinal cord bones can throw out your nerve function by about 60%. So let's guess where the nerves that come out around my sacrem affect - yes you bet your last $20 - they affect my reproductive organs. I currently have a serious misalignment that affects the nerves that send signals from my brain to my uterus and my ovaries. It blew me away. I had x-rays done on Friday and when I looked at them yesterday you could see how misaligned I was. Like I said - crooked. And you could see the smaller exit points from where my bone is tipping over from my left onto my right.

Now I am not saying that this is going to fix me BUT as an unexplained infertile desperately seeking answers as to why I can't successfully conceive could this shed some light for me? I have talked about my unexplained status incessantly because quite frankly it simply drives me absolutely crazy, but could my issues stem from a misaligned back? For the first time I have a small glimmer of something that could be the reason that I can't get pregnant. The back is relatively easy to fix. I need to have a number of adjustments over the next 4-6 weeks to try and get my back in place. This isn't going to solve my issues but man it blew me away. BLEW me away.

The only thing I can think of that might have contributed to this is about 7 years ago I had a massive stack snow boarding, I can still remember the feeling, I slipped on ice at Lake Louise and fell really really hard on my rear. It hurt like hell, I also had some other massive stacks that year as I got more confident and tried different things. Could that have contributed to the misalignment?

I am not expecting miracles, no way Jose, but it is very interesting to see what happens next.

And that my friends was my other news!

A fine day

2011-06-19T22:21:00.000+10:00

I finally feel like I am returning to the land of the living. It is a slow process and sometimes I am struck down with incredible sadness but the happier days are outweighing the sad days and most of all I refuse to be beaten down by my infertile status. I will eventually prevail. So suck on that infertility.

Today started off on a beautiful note when I was awoken by a text message (yes Ree but it was worth it), my beautiful friend Ree got a NATURAL (yep that's right folks) BFP after nearly three years of trying. Ree is an amazing woman, she has suffered a chemical and a miscarriage through IVF but you wouldn't know it because she soldiers on and she is always there for you when you need a friend often forgetting her problems to focus on yours. I am so bloody thrilled that I forgot my "I hate everyone that is pregnant, a mother, trying to get pregnant" attitude and just enjoyed the moment and remembered what this was all about. For me, Ree's victory gives me hope. We have identical scenarios, right down to the almost identical SA's of our partners, ok Ree has a small edge on me, she is ahem a little younger than I, but other than that very similar!! Therefore if it can happen to her, then by golly it can happen to me! It just made me feel really pleased.

The rest of the day began as a mystery to me. In my last real post I mentioned that my friends were trying to be there for me, however I didn't realise how very much they were trying to understand. Unbeknown to me behind the scenes they were plotting away to take me out for the day to cheer me up. The truth is, they don't really get what is happening to me but the most important thing is they are just there for me and I just need to realise that I can call on them whenever I need to. Infertility is incredibly private and difficult. I don't like to talk about it to them very much because it just hurts and it makes me sad I do need to recognise that as soon as I am comfortable and ready to talk about it they will be there in a second. Today felt like a big warm doona of love. I can't even described how special it was that my friends (all 9 of them, 2 had big emergency situations) put aside a whole day to make me feel better.

All I had been told was to be ready at home by 10.45am, I was picked up and told to bring some socks. I had no idea what we were doing but then we pulled up outside of a ten pin bowling place!! We had a ball, in fact we had the inaugural WGC (that is wine glass club) bowling championship. In truth we were bloody terrible. Not one of us got over 100 and there were a couple of us barely making it past 50, but do you know what I laughed - a lot. The big belly laughs that I am known for. After that we went for lunch at the Portsea Pub and stayed there all afternoon. It really made me feel good and it did make me forget about the last few weeks. I will never forget but I have to put it back a bit. I can't keep dwelling on it all the time and it takes too much energy from me to be angry and bitter all the time. It makes me feel incredibly special to have the support network I do. Not only have I got an extended internet relationship with people that care but I do have an amazing relationship with those that have known me my whole life. It was relaxed and fun and just great. Thank you to my gorgeous girls (especially KC) who took the time out to be there for me.

I am definitely on the mend.

I am ready to get back on the wagon and I am ready to try again whether it be naturally or scientifically I just want to hit the ground running. I am the point now when I can say to myself - alright it didn't finish the way we wanted it to but it did actually work, I did see two lines on that stick and now my next goal is to see two lines and then a heart beat and then a screaming beautiful bouncing baby. This time it is going to stick.

I have an appointment with a new FS on Thursday. I had the name of this doctor in February and I had made an appointment but I cancelled it given I had two frozen embryos with clinic #1. I spoke with a counsellor after the miscarriage as I was desperately seeking support to deal with my crazy emotions and she said that since I am someone that likes to organised (err she guessed that after a 10 minute phone call - spot on love) and be prepared, therefore start researching now. I knew it took a while to get in to see this doctor and luckily there was a cancellation and I got in (still took three weeks), the next one wasn't until August. I am looking forward to what he has to say.

I have some other IF news but I will update tomorrow. It is quite interesting but I want to get the correct terminology down before I go into it.

On a final note, today I am happy. I really am. Tomorrow it could all suck again but right now I am happy because even though I have crap things happening to me I have people around me that love and care for me. And that makes me bloody happy.

Relax

2011-06-13T19:39:00.001+10:00

My way of winding down after a shit two weeks......

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's ok to be worried

2011-06-10T10:08:00.001+10:00

When we first started trying to have a baby I was miserable when it didn't happen straight away. I suppose I thought it would happen within the first month or so. Many times I was dismissed and told that these things take time but instinctively I knew that something must not be clicking. We often hear about those that fall quickly, or take minimal time to fall pregnant. These are the swords in our backs, the reminders that everything is not progressing the way it should be. To be honest these reminders are what makes the journey that much more painful because we are literally faced with the evidence of our failure month after month by these super fertile women.

I always found it incredibly frustrating when my fears were brushed off and told that I had to wait at least a year before a medical professional would treat me. I still believe that it is not normal to wait a year before you seek assistance. Especially when there is a serious medical condition such as MFI or issues such as PCOS, endo, blocked tubes. These at least can be treated, well not treated as such, but at least there is a diagnosis and you can move forward with some form of assisted conception if you choose to. At least then you have a choice. But by making us wait until 12 months have passed this adds an additional unnecessary 12 months of despair that could have been avoided by taking a simple blood test or sperm test.

Today I had an email from RESOLVE which I now receive due to participating in the Bust a Myth campaign which had a link to "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting: How to Support Your Wife, Save your Marriage, and Conquer Infertility." I was interested to see this point of view as infertility as regardless of how great your marriage is, facing infertility will be a strain. It is inevitable. It will definitely bring you closer but at the same time this can be one of the biggest hurdles you will ever have to jump and infertility raises that hurdle so damn high, it makes everything harder. There are so many emotions and feelings and pain involved that you have to wade through all of this crap to get to the core of your issues. When you get to the core you might not like what you find but most of the time we work through it and move on. OK I am totally moving away from my original intention here.

What I found really interesting was this statement in his book from a Dr Rosen;

Dr. Rosen: As a general rule, no woman of child-bearing age should need more than three to four months to get pregnant. In fact, roughly 85 percent of people who are going to get pregnant in the first year do so within six months. Any longer than this, and it might be time to consider a specialist.

I felt validated that someone finally acknowledged that it is not normal to wait as long as we have all had to and I felt relieved that I took control as early on as I could to get treatment. Ok it hasn't exactly worked out brilliant for me. The stats are five IVF transfers for one early miscarriage and a diagnosis of unexplained but at least, at least now I know that all those people that told me to relax or to chill out were uninformed and well to be honest it validates my annoyance. This made me feel better that my frantic worries and stress were not stupid, people do fall pregnant quickly. Yes there are 15% of us according to this statistic that are going to need help but all those condescending people that looked down their noses at me because I was worried, well it makes me feel better for being worried.

This also makes me angry all over again about the way I was treated by my miscarriage from my clinic. I believe very strongly in a women's intuition. I knew there was something wrong when I started bleeding. The Sunday that it happened I knew something was not right. I came back from my walk and I could just feel in my belly that something had stopped. The weird cramp through my rear, then the cramps at the movies, I just knew that something wasn't right.

But what happened, I rang the clinic and they were unconcerned. Just like when I started investigating why were were not getting pregnant. People didn't seem to think that a normal healthy person could have issues. Well I did. I had issues getting pregnant and now I have issues staying pregnant.

I think people need to be more aware of when people think there is something wrong to actually investigate it and actually trust that they know their bodies well enough to signal any issues that are happening. Being told not to worry when I was bleeding red blood every time I was going to the toilet magnified my feelings of hopelessness. Then when my gut feeling was validated again it just made me angry. There was nothing I could do to stop what was happening and there is nothing I can really do about my infertility but sometimes, ok all of the time I wish people, doctors, everyone could just trust me when I say that this is not normal and this shouldn't be happening. Because most of the time I seem to be right.

And we're going down

2011-06-06T13:28:00.000+10:00

1071

No miracle quadrupling of numbers but quiet relief. Relief that this isn't going to keep dragging out.

It didn't work this time, but hey it did work right?

Time to find a new clinic.

-----------------

I can't comment on blogger. I am sorry if I haven't been commenting. I might also be a bit absent on my pregnant blogging friends. I still love you but just give me a week or so. Finding it a bit hard at the moment to read your blogs. I know that it is a bit selfish but I just need a bit of space.

Limbo land

2011-06-03T10:07:00.001+10:00

I still haven't passed anything resembling a baby but by the same token they couldn't find anything on the scan so maybe I don't have anything to pass? I have to keep taking my meds, well progesterone support, which makes me also think that this support is what is stopping the inevitable to happen. I have googled the hell out of slow rising beta / hcg's and there is no stories for me to hang my hat on. The ladies that did have some good news were the ones that had beta's in the 30,000 and to be brutally honest they were not really slow rising so it kind of fucked around with my googling and led me down a lot of dead end streets.

I am sitting around where the biggest mother fucker of a sanitary pad waiting for it to happen. It feels like I have a pillow shoved up my arse but I guess it is better than ruining the couch. I don't know what to expect. It seems like the rest of my life with infertility I got the random small percentage chance of having an unexplained miscarriage, where I have miscarried but nothing wants to come out. Hello my life on limbo island. I want it to happen naturally. I don't want to have to go into hospital again.

My work has been amazing. Two months ago we had an all in brawl over something ridiculous, four weeks later I got a fantastic pay rise and even after that there is no expectation on me to be there and work for it. They have given me the week off work and nothing but loyal support. I am so thankful for that. It makes this just a small bit easier that I don't have to worry about my job. I have the ability to work from home so I do that for a couple of hours to stop my brain from idly wondering off into planet hate.

My pink dressing gown has become my fashion item of choice. I think today I might use a brush through my hair, if anything it makes me feel more human. My two constant companions have been my gorgeous dogs Sasha & Frankie. If a person ever dares to tell me they are dogs and not babies I am not going to lie, I am going to get an AK47 and shoot them in the head. Every time I start to well up one of them comes over and puts their sweet little heads in my laps and lie there letting me cry without shame.

Chippie has been my rock. He is still holding out some hope because no one has confirmed otherwise. But the ultrasound was his wake up call. He lets me cry, then he cries, then we cry together and then we go and watch How I Met Your Mother repeats and smile. Barney & Lilly are the only ones that make me smile at the moment. Together we want to do something to let this little baby know that they were wanted and so very loved. I was incredibly relieved when he didn't think that was a stupid idea. It was only a week but in that one week I had so much love for this baby and our future family. This baby became a part of our lives so quickly that we are stunned by the amount of pain we have now that it is gone. In one short week our lives changed from grey to colour. And now we are faced with darkness again. We know we have each other, and we will always have each other. But we just want one baby to complete our family.

I also feel fortunate in my support networks. The blog posts from Tee & Athena, although brutally honest and sad, made me feel less alone. The emails from beautiful girls on the other side of the world make me realise that I am lucky to have people that care so much. My BC girls are still my rocks. Two and half years we have gone through this crap, our attrition rate would make most people give up immediately, but we soldier on and we keep going. My closest friends I have known all my life are trying. Some more than others and I appreciate that they are there. The worst thing is, regardless of the support, I just feel so alone and empty and sad. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and stood on and laughed at me. I am just so sad and distraught.

I add another bow to my infertility resume. Miscarriage survivor.

I keep listening to the song by Adele, Chasing Pavements. Sure it might be about a guy but the following words seem to apply to by battle with infertility

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there

That is how I feel about my battle with infertility. Should I give up or should I keep trying IVF even if it leads nowhere. I don't know how much strength I have to keep going. Please don't tell me that at least I know now we can get pregnant because I can assure you that right now that means absolutely nothing to me.

I can't believe I didn't add my family.But they are always there for me. My mum, dad and my sister. I don't have words for them. They know.

Not great news

2011-06-01T15:41:00.000+10:00

We went to the GP and he was absolutely horrified we hadn't gone for an ulstraound earlier. He arranged for one straight away.

They couldn't find anything resembling a 6 week old foetus.

My clinc rang me before. I made a mistake yesterday. My number was 1100 and now it is 1431. This is not a viable pregnancy and I am sitting around with my dead baby inside of me.

Like it couldn't have got any worse.

Quiet and sad

2011-05-31T11:23:00.001+10:00

So it looks like I am miscarrying.

On Sunday night I noticed blood in my undies, which soon turned into bright red blood on the toilet. The next day it was brown. No clots. Rang the clinic and was royally fucked around. Apparently they weren't too concerned as no cramps accompanied the bleeding, begged for a scan but they said too early. Finally got a blood test but too late for same day results.

Hcg 1400

You do the math, it's not good.

I feel like I want to die.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Infertile 101: Social Etiquette in an Infertiles Home

2011-05-27T09:31:00.000+10:00

The chances are if you don't have children yet your house is pretty immaculate and full of nice things. For me all these years of being infertile and a D.I.N.K has mean that I either buy something for me every time someone announces a BFP, which has meant a lot of new things over the past few years or you constantly think to yourself I am going to be pregnant soon so you renege on your relationship with fashion and you start a relationship with interiors.

My house doesn't have a lot of pretty objects however I do have a few areas that I have "artistically" arranged that give me pleasure [read copied ideas from house magazines]. I don't have a lot of breakable objects - or so I think. Apparently my house isn't as kiddie friendly as some would like.

However I have found during my battle with infertility there are four types of mothers that will come over to visit and their reactions are all different.

Mother #1: The Battleship
This mum comes in with her pram, her over sized nappy bag, a backpack full of toys which immediately get thrown around the room and then rearranges my house before she has even had a chance to say hello. Without even throwing me a questioning glance the photo frames get pushed back, ornaments get moved to higher shelves and she goes around the house shutting doors, putting snap locks on cupboards and telling little Tommy to "don't touch". I call this one the battleship because they come blazing into the house with eyes on high alert for anything that can be destroyed. They bulldoze and take over and before you know it your house is resembling a smug fertile's and your areas of prettiness are now a shambled mess. They generally drop a few smug fertile bombs about how they would like to nice things but the can't a) afford it b) too busy looking after their children c) children are more important than a nice frame or trinket.

Mother #2 The three Monkey Mother "Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil"
Oh yeah we have all had this mum in our house before. Little Tommy comes screeching into the house while the mum is talking on her mobile phone sipping on a latte. And she has thoughtfully forgotten to bring you one too. The kid enter's the house, spots your dogs and immediately begins to throw what ever object is lying around at them, chasing them until they hide under the covers in your bedroom. The mum generally walks in ready for a chat while the child destroys your house. Pulls the CD's out of the cupboard, sticks food in the DVD player, spills soft drink all over your couch and screams for five minutes if they are not getting attention. You end up having to comfort the child yourself because the mum is too busy staring at her latest manicure and telling you about the baby free holiday she has planned. If other mum's are there with their children this kid has laid a swift kick in the leg of one already, tried to smother a newbon and has everyone crying in terror over his dictatorship reign. You breathe a sigh of relief when they leave.

Mother #3 Mother nature
This mum is the one that I would like to most emulate. Before infertility I may have turned out a combination of #1 & #2, however now due to infertility the chances of me booking a baby free holiday are about as high as me getting a TV show called Chon & Chippie + 8. This mum comes in and gives you a warm hug and their little angel says hello. They have bought some toys and a DVD of the Wiggles and they politely ask if it is ok if you can put it on. They are so nice that you volunteer to put your children (dogs) outside if their children are scared because they have treated you with a little respect first. They generally come bearing a gift of a coffee scroll, boston bun or other nice treat. You make coffee. No items are moved around your house. If the little fingers get close to them the mum throws them the eye daggers and they sigh and wander off. If it nice weather the kids will play outside allowing mum and I a nice lovely chat. If anything does happen they apologise profusely and you wave it off. After all kids will be kids and you don't expect any different. Walls can be cleaned and a floor can be mopped.

Mother #4 Bitch
This one will not even come to your house because she doesn't consider it child safe/ child friendly. You are infertile and you don't have the necessary equipment at home to look after her child. Ugh this woman doesn't even bear thinking about.

Have you had a person that has fitted in this category? I mostly have had #1 and #3 but have had some exposure to #2 who are freaking nightmares, they are generally the ones that didn't want children but did it because everyone else was doing it and got pregnant straight away and within two years they have a pigeon pair. Thankfully no exposure to #4 but I hear they are out there.

How do you react in an infertiles house with children? Give them some respect, don't treat them like idiots. They will generally move things out of the way and if they haven't they don't really care if a child plays with them. Don't treat them as ignorant of child's behaviour and bring them the god damn latte.

A well of love

2011-05-24T13:31:00.001+10:00

Wow thank you so much for your supportive comments!

Yesterday was the first day I started to feel excited, you see when the nurse rang on Friday and said "well you are pregnant" [cue first sob welling up from within] but finished it with "the number is only 91" it kinda meant that the excitement got tapered down pretty damn quickly. There was no shy Chon coming out of the bathroom with a pregnancy test clutched to her chest saying to Chippie oh darling I think we are having a baby. Errrr it went something like this:

adhopjadlnan820rdjpregand;ananatat

Yeah could you understand that? Hmmm didn't think so and that was on the phone. On Friday when I rang the clinic I wasn't prepared for them to say I could go on Friday to have the blood test. The plan was that Chippie and I would be together. However he was having his car serviced in town and was frantically trying to get home so I was on my own with the dogs when the nurse called. How romantic. Not only are we knocked up with a test tube, a team of nurses, doctors and scientists but I tell him over the phone and he can't even understand me. I guess, really given the way we have gone about this it is incredibly appropriate!

Then I had to call my mother and sister who were on egg shells at home waiting for my call. My sister told me she couldn't handle the suspense and couldn't deal with it. I said to her you can't deal with suspense, sheesh. Anyway they were #2 and #3 that got the call after Chippie. My sister was so excited she dropped her phone in her tea cup and my mum went roaring into my dad "she's bloody pregnant!" and they celebrated with wine for me. Meanwhile whilst their celebrations were in full swing I was a rocking mess on the floor in a state of shock. I would really like to relive the moment, just like our bloody marriage proposal this too lacked any Hollywood / Oprah celebration. The two biggest moments in my life and the delivery was terrible on both and nothing to write home about.

Hearing the same nurse yesterday give me the update with a massive smile in her voice meant that I finally got to react in the way one would normally react when finding out pregnancy news.

I am pregnant - can you freaking believe it?!

I have come to the realisation that I know absolutely everything there is to know about the process of getting knocked up. You want tips on how to do it naturally or scientifically, come see me I can fill your brain. But now I have a little nugget inside of me, I gotta confess I know nothing!

A few people have asked what I did differently this cycle to finally get a BFP.

I think the hysterocopy, D&C and biopsy was absolutely the main reason this worked. The transfer was a dream. I hate to think that I could have a bouncing baby in my arm if I just had this done before my first IVF cycle but we didn't know then that the old cervix was a little curvy. I strongly believe that if I hadn't of done this in April I would not be the smiling person I am now.

I also took one baby aspirin every morning and insisted on progesterone support for my FET. Normally it is all natural but I felt my levels were low on my last blood test and said lets throw the kitchen sink at it. I take one pessary in the morning and one at night.

I was also........oh god I can't believe I am going to say this............more relaxed this cycle. I made a conscious effort to not post every single day, I was incredibly busy at work and I made sure that I had things happening that weren't related to my IVF cycle. I even acknowledged mothers day and instead of being the angry infertility Chon I was the mother earth zen Chon. It was hard but I had to accept that there were things I could not control.

Lastly I listened to my circle & bloom nightly which I think helped in ensuring I was in a calm, zen and centred place and I slept like a dream.

Oh and my friend Tan and I would like to add a new item to the IVF protocol, we believe the vacuuming we both did this when we got home and it was an integral ingredient in the success of our cycles!! Ok joke, but it was definitely part of my "this isn't going to change my life" plan.

I really threw a lot at this cycle, I believe the combination of the above is what allowed it to work.

We have a name for our bean Jimmy Braddock. When they transferred the two embies one was a high achiever which we named B after my sister in law who is an incredibly talented and successful professional and the other was Jimmy Braddock because it was a bit of a fighter. It had not defrosted well but went on to regenerate. Given our lower number we believe it is Jimmy we have on board!

Thanks so much for all of your support. To have an environment like this means the world. I couldn't have got through the past 12 months on blogger or the last 30 months without the support of my internet friends who have picked me up countless times.

I am going to say it one more time

I AM PREGNANT!!!

The results are in......

2011-05-23T16:41:00.000+10:00

and it turns out

I AM PREGNANT!

I have thought about how I would do the big reveal and announcement for years but it turns out when I found out my reaction was not what I expected at all. I sobbed for two hours straight. In fact Chippie thought it was a negative.

I have a confession. I found out on Friday. I was three days late and I couldn't bear to wait the whole weekend and Chippie and I had committed to not POAS. The number was on the slightly lower side at 91 and they were being very conservative. They wanted it around 100. I didn't want to say anything until I had the numbers reconfirmed today and they are doubling just as they should. Today's level was 321!!

We have a long way to go but oh my
2.5 years
4 IVF transfers
2 operations
3 semen analysis
countless blood tests

and finally one positive pregnancy test

Blood test on Monday

2011-05-22T12:09:00.001+10:00

Form: poor should have been updating!

In my defense I haven't been home I have been at my in laws.

Result: as soon as I know I will let you all know!

One more sleep!!!

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Reblog Quote

2011-05-20T12:52:00.000+10:00

Haven't read Athena's blog? Well if you like people that tell it like it is with a sprinkling (ok to be fair probably more of a dumping) of swear words and a total appreciation for life then you will love Athena. Oh and if you follow and comment you go in the draw to win a really cool book!

I am reblogging a quote of hers today because quite frankly it rocks.

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is What does a woman want?"

~ Sigmund Freud

"A fucking baby Sigmund" ~ A Field of Dreams

I mean seriously how hard was that? And I don't have daddy issues either.

Haidee's Virtual Baby Shower

2011-05-19T09:16:00.002+10:00

Since I can't be over in NZ and physically celebrating Haidee's baby shower I am super relieved that Athena decided to hold a virtual baby shower. Nice one Athena!

I have known Haidee for a long time now meeting her on the Australian babycentre website over two years ago. We firmed our relationship when after her IVF#1 was a blow out she decided to take a week off and come to Australia. Haidee was a very welcome guest of Chippie, Frankie, Sasha & I and it was amazing to actually connect with a forum friend.

This baby has been very very wanted. It took a while to get here but sometimes good things take a while don't they?!

I haven't posted pictures of my presents because I have actually sent them too her and I wanted her to have a surprise when she opened them!! But in the spirit of food I thought I would bring over some of my homemade sausage rolls (ok not mine that I made but a pretty fair representation).

I also thought I would arrange to play the toilet paper game a la Posh Spice and friends. Actually does she even look pregnant? You cannot see a bump can you!

Haidee my lovely beautiful friend congratulations on your little boy to be and happy virtual baby shower!! Remember I still haven't discounted out a fly over once he is born to come and visit you. Chippie is still hanging to get out on the boat with HG and catch some real fish. Big fat hugs, kisses and belly rubs.